• Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
• I will try to leave the cat alone, once in a while.
• I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

• My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
• I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
• I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

Welcome to Flight #2013, We are prepared for take off into the New Year. Please make sure your Attitude and Blessings are secured and locked in an upright position. All self destructive devices should be turned off at this time. Should we lose Altitude under pressure during the flight, reach up and pull down a Prayer. Prayers will automatically be activated by Faith. Once your Faith is activated you can assist other passengers. There will be NO BAGGAGE allowed on this flight. The captain has cleared us for takeoff. Destination GREATNESS!! Have a Blessed New Year Friends .

Found these on cybersalt.org and thought they were humorous for today! While a bit funny, they are also a bit sad because I know some youth who have made similar New Year Resolutions. In fact I have made a few of these myself. We all know what we should do, but it is so easy to make excuses for ourselves.

1. I believe in Santa Claus
2. I don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. I am Santa Claus
4. I look like Santa Claus!

• To Kill A Walking Bird
• My Best Friend’s Dressing
• The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
• Casserolablanca
• The Fabulous Baster Boys
• 12 Hungry Men
• Silence of the Yams
• For Love of The Game Hen
• I Know What You Ate Last Winter
• All the President’s Menu

This are supposedly real signs that didn't quite have the effect intended.

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

• I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, “And God threw him back down?”

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, “Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” I said, “God tells me.” Jeffy said, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?”

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven”. Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.
“

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, Arizona, USA, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: “Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
“

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.”

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, Johnny stayed home from church with a babysitter.

When the youth’s family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.

Johnny asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “pantyhose!”

• Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
• Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
• There’s no such thing as too much candy.
• All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.
“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.
“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.
“

Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.
Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?
When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!
And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.
The driver was “whistling” and “shouting” with a will,
The “Horses” (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
“Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right”
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you-all tonight..
The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10 gallon Stetson on the top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
with his beard so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper “Are you really Santa Claus?”
“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.
Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl,
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS-MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the “message” he wanted and the “dimensions” needed for the entryway.

Two nuns were taking a long drive down a isolated country road to visit a friend when they ran out of gas. Since they were a long way from the nearest city, they decided to walk across a field to a nearby farmhouse to get some help. The farmer gratiously agreed to give them some gasoline but he couldn’t find a container to put it in. After turning the barn upside down he finally found an old bedpan that was a little but could be used to hold some gasoline. The desperate nuns were willing to take the gasoline in the bedpan and walked back across the field to their car.

These classified ads supposedly actually appeared in UK Newspapers.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little dog.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

We often have a lot of misconceptions about worship.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart-off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Mother’s Day can be a wonderful celebration, but it is also a very dangerous day for youth and fathers. The biggest peril is buying a Mother’s Day Gift. After all, everyone is supposed to know what she wants. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy.

On Mother’s Day we take the opportunity to thank our mothers for all the advice and care they have given to us over the years, especially during our years as children and as youth. But a mother is a mother forever!

In a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip for Mother’s Day, Calvin is shown standing beside his
mother’s bed.

“Hey, Mom! Wake up. I made you a Mother’s Day card.”
“My, how sweet of you.” she says.
“I did it all by myself. Go ahead & read it.” Calvin responds.

10. Private Messages from some guy named “Fluffy.”
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find strange fanpages have been liked i.e. Recreational Catnip Users.
7. Your Facebook has numerous links to Funny Feline Films
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. All your facebook friends with Dog Photos have been mysteriously unfriended
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. Your facebook account has been linked to a new twitter account: IronMouser
2. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
1. Your Facebook profile Picture has been replaced with a photo of your cat

An adventurous youth was hiking through the German forest when he saw a dark opening in a cliff indicating a deep cave. With the excitement of adventure, the youth decided to go exploring. He carefully made his way into the opening and not too far from the entrance, he saw a flickering light in the passage far ahead. A typical teenager, ever curious, he had to see what was inside the cave.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

Thanksgiving Humour to enliven the conversation around the Thanksgiving Dinner Table

Looking for some conversation starters around he Thanksgiving Dinner Table? These Thanksgiving jokes and humorous stories can add a few laughs and get a little conversation going when you can’t think of anything else to talk about.

• A youth’s bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”
• Youth don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
• Youth don’t have a bad hair day; they’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
• No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
• Youth are not shy. They’re “conversationally selective.”

The church Pastor is giving the children his yearly Easter Children’s Sermon. Three of the children are more vocal than the rest.

The Pastor asks the first child, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The child replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful.”

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth over again today, He would be wanted by…

The FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

The EPA for killing fig trees,

The AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

Here lies Captain Ernest Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his orderly, March 2nd 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant.

– grave inscription of a British soldier, in Northwest Frontier of modern-day Pakistan.

Author Unknown

The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

“Dear Father,” he prayed “Be with me tonight.
There’s much work to do and my schedule is tight.

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child’s father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.

A middle-aged woman posted her Christmas wish list on the refrigerator door so her husband would be sure not to miss it.

Rather than listing certain items of desire, she simply wanted her husband to use a little romantic creativity and so requested, “this year, get me something that will make me look beautiful for you.”

Seasons Greetings

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that email does not support typeface control]

The rumor is confirmed. The big guy, CEO of Santa, Inc., has resigned. He will Ho Ho Ho no more, at least, not in any official capacity. SheepTrax Undercover investigators have obtained a journalistic exclusive, a copy of Santa’s shocking resignation letter. Fans of the big elf, read it and weep. – Editor.

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,”
little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Holiday Collection

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
‘Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

• For his years of ministry, our departing pastor, the Reverend Johnson was presented with a plague. (plaque)
• Plan not (now) to attend the Easter Musical, April 14th.”

• Inflatable Dart Board
• Waterproof teabags
• Helicopter Ejection seat
• Screen door on a submarine
• Transparent Blackout drapes
• Recycled Toilet Paper
• Non reflecting mirror
• Solar Powered Flashlight

Others?

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay.

A preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of Sunday school boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible, so they de-cided to have some fun. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c’mon in y’all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask

For the first four or five years after I had children, I considered motherhood a temporary condition – not a calling. It was a time of my life set aside for exhaustion and long hours. It would pass. Then one afternoon with three kids in tow, I came out of the supermarket pushing a cart (with four wheels that went in opposite directions) when my toddler son got away from me.

JOB ADVERTISEMENT!!

The Kingdom of God is hiring!
Are you ready to apply? Do you qualify?

JOB TITLE:
Disciples for Christ

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Tell the dying world how to live through Jesus Christ

NUMBER OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS:
Unlimited; everyone is welcome–preachers, teachers, singers, musicians, missionaries, custodians, food servers, and numerous others that we just can’t list them all here

It was a warm summer day. Two elders decided to invite one of the deacons to their weekly fishing trip. The deacon was excited and decided to go. When they were all in the boat and the boat was well out in the middle of the lake one elder said, “Oh no, I forgot my fishing rod. Wait here while I go get it.” The elder walked out across the lake all the way back to his car and walked back across the water to his boat.

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

DON’T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY’S GUIDE TO LIFE
by Texas Bix Bender

• Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
• There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
• Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

A little old lady in New York for the first time, crossed Times Square against traffic and somehow managed to make it safely to the opposite curb, where a traffic cop was glaring at her with strong disapproval. “Didn’t you see that sign?” he asked.

“What sign?” the lady asked.

One man had such a problem with anger that he stopped driving and started taking the bus to work. One morning he overslept and had to drive. When he opened the garage door he saw that the rear wall–the one his teen-aged son smashed when he stepped on the gas pedal instead of the brake–hadn’t been fixed. He was angry with the carpenter he had hired to make the repairs. In a rage he ran into the house and telephoned the carpenter. “You said that you would have it fixed by noon yesterday,” he stormed.

One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the field behind the barn. It sounded like she was in hard labor. He went out, and, sure enough, it was a breech birth. He tried to turn the calf around, but it was too late–the legs were already coming out. The only thing he could do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth. This field was right next to the roadside, and a red Mercedes stopped, and a man jumped out “May I assist?” The farmer replied, “Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!”

As she tucked her little girl into bed, it happened…

Texas wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in the Church we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

• Changing riders
• Buying a strong whip
• Trying a new bit or bridle

Years ago, a large statue of Christ was erected high in the Andes on the border between Argentina and Chile. Called “Christ of the Andes,” the statue symbolizes a pledge between the two countries that as long as the statue stands, there will be peace between Chile and Argentina. Shortly after the statue was erected, the Chileans began to protest that they had been slighted — the statue had its back turned to Chile. Just when tempers were at their highest in Chile, a Chilean newspaperman saved the day. In an editorial that not only satisfied the people but made them laugh, he simply said, “The people of Argentina need more watching over than the Chileans. ”

20. You’ve heard the old saying about the Camel being the ship of the desert? WELLLLL, I’m getting seasick.
19. OK, we got gold. We got the frankincense. We got the Myrrh. Think we should get something more practical, like diapers maybe?
18. I thought this was SUPPOSED to be a WEEKEND road trip. Boy, is my wife ever gonna be ticked when I get home.
17. All this gazing at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.
16. Wise men. They call us wise men. What’s so WISE about wandering around the the desert for three years?
15. I still say it wouldn’t hurt to drop by Balthazar’s place for another visit on the way back. That was SOME buffet!
14. 16 hours a day on a camel. Are you sure this beats walking?
13. All in all, I’d rather be a shepherd. All they ever do is stand around and WATCH the stars. We have to FOLLOW one.
12. Time to check the map again, I think we took a wrong turn at Amal’s house.
11. Why should I always have to be in the rear? It’s somebody else’s turn to get sand in his face.
10. I need to stop at the Bazaar in the next town and pick up one more gift.
9. C’mon, we gotta stop and ask for directions, if we don’t this trip could take years.
8. You guys have any idea how to treat saddle sores?
7. Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
6. You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.
5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?
3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?
2. Okay, who forgot to give their camel a bath before we left?
1. Whaddya mean we’ll be part of history? A year from now, nobody will have a clue why we did this.

“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.”
- Larry Wilde

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
- Bernard Manning

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible furball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

A man had been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day–actually, they’re all hot–he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, “However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn’t make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, “Put up a prayer, John. We’re in for it!”

What does a turkey say?

“Gobble, gobble, gobble”?

A jewelry-lovin’ turkey?
“Bauble bauble bauble”

A dyslexic turkey?
“Boggle boggle boggle”

A turkey in the shoe repair shop?
“Cobble cobble cobble”

A turkey with a sore leg?
“Hobble hobble hobble.”

A football turkey say?
“Huddle, huddle, huddle”

Dial soap
Directions: Use like regular soap

Deodorant
Do not use intimately.

Tampax Tampons
Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Hotel Shower Cap
Fits one head.

A college girl wrote home:

Dear Mom & Dad,

I guess you heard by now that the dorm burned down. We were all in the basement smoking marijuana, and I guess somehow we set the dorm on fire. But no one was hurt, and we got most of our belongings out in time. Oh, and I’m getting married soon. You see, I have to, because I’m going to have a baby… you’ll meet Bob soon, he’s got a really swell Harley…

A lady takes her pet chihuahua with her on a safari holiday. Wandering too far one day the chihuahua gets lost in the bush, and soon encounters a very hungry looking lion.

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the reception desk and says: “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

A new hotel employee was asked to clean the elevators and report back to the supervisor when the task was completed. When the employee failed to appear at the end of the day the supervisor assumed that like many others he had simply not liked the job and left. However, after four days the supervisor bumped into the new employee. He was cleaning in one of the elevators. “You surely haven’t been cleaning these elevators for four days, have you?” asked the supervisor, accusingly. “Yes sir,” said the employee, “This is a big job and I’ve not finished yet – do you realise there are over forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes they are not even there….”

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 6′ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

A mother noticed that it was about time for school to dismiss and since it looked like it would rain, she drove toward the school to pick up her eight year old daughter.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY A MOM WHEN…

• You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
• You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child’s favorite toy and made him/her cry.
• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

One day, a girl walk to her mother and look at her mother’s hair and sadly said: “Why are some of your hair white mom?”

The mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

10. I got twisted up in my sheets and couldn’t escape.
9. I didn’t have time after reading Psalms for my devotional
8. I was planning my next vacation on the maps in the back of my Bible.
7. I already had a “quiet” time for the past 8 hours.
6. I didn’t have time after my 10K morning jog and left my knee pads at the rugby field!
5. My pillow had me in a head hold and I couldn’t escape!
4. The TV was blaring late into the night so I couldn’t sleep!
3. Alright.. Whose the prankster who put super glue on my pillow?
2. Quiet time? In my house it is NEVER quiet!

A Youth Sunday School teacher spent considerable time explaining the details and information for an upcoming evangelism conference. After answering questions from several students, one seventh grade boy asked: “Can you tell us again, the date of the vandalism conference?”

As told by Tan Fippin, Texas

• A box of Valentine’s chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
• Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”, or “high fiber” on the label.
• Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undo embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am at my bath, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Supposedly from the Modern Woman’s Dictionary

Sign at Railroad Station
“Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.”

Rest Stop in Wisconsin
“Do not eat urinal cakes.”

At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

The youth minister woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to take over the youth ministry for that day. As soon as the Pastor left the room, the youth minister headed out of Singapore to a golf course in JB. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

A newly hired pastor in a small town was getting to know the members of his congregation by visiting with them in their homes. One particular day the pastor was visiting with one of the elderly ladies of the church. While sitting in the living room he noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and asked if he might have some since he had not eaten lunch that day. The elderly lady was glad to offer them to him.

- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
- When a cow laughs does milk go up its nose?
- Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
- If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
- What’s another word for thesaurus?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- What do they use to ship styrofoam?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
- Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
- Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Not long ago a farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

A young, new Christian from the big city attended the small town church one weekend. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

A little boy came home excited about getting a part in the Christmas Play.

“I got a part in the Christmas play!” he exclaimed to his mother!
“That’s great! What part did you get” she asked!
“I am one of the three wise guys!” he replied!

Looking for a little wholesome Thanksgiving humor to add a some laughter to your Thanksgiving Sermon or Thanksgiving youth talk? These Thanksgiving jokes and humorous stories from the “Creative Youth Ideas” archives will add a chuckle to your talk. They are also great for a little fun around the Thanksgiving Dinner table!

A woman came home from a nearby farm with two buckets of cow manure for her garden. “What’s that for?” Asked her 6-year-old daughter.

“The strawberries, ” Mom answered.

After staring at the buckets for a moment, the youngster asked, “Can I just have mine with whipped cream?”

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

As we celebrate Father’s Day today, I would like to share the following story about the effect that one father had on his family. This particular family had three small children who were determined to have a puppy. Mom protested because she knew that somehow or other, she would end up caring for the critter. True to form, the children solemnly promised that they would take care of it. Eventually, she relented and they brought their little puppy home. The children named him Danny and cared for him diligently – at first. But, sure enough, as time passed, Mom found herself becoming more and more responsible for taking care of the dog. Finally, she decided that the children were not living up to their promise so she began to search for a new home for Danny. When she found one and broke the news to the children, she was quite surprised that they had almost no reaction at all. One of them even said rather matter-of-factly, “We’ll miss him.”

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence didn’t extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

4 years: “My Daddy can do anything.”
7 years: “My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot.”
12 years: “Oh, well – naturally – Father doesn’t know that either.”
14 years: “Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.”
21 years: “Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?”
25 years: “He knows a little bit about it – but not much.”
30 years: “Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.”
35 years: “Let’s ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision.”
40 years: “I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart.”
50 years: “My Dad knew absolutely everything.”
60 years: “I’d give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss him.”

10. “Let me explain what ‘deductible’ means on car insurance.”
9. “Your mom’s almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?”
8. “Seems to me last year’s prom dress still has some life in it.”
7. “I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night.”
6. “We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid.”
5. “Let’s get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins.”
4. “I am proud that you decided to keep the family uni-brow.”
3. “You don’t need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home.”
2. “I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you’re really hoping he’ll ask you to the dance.”
1. “By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday.”

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.

• He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
• Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
• Carpal paw syndrome.
• He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail.”

Veteran Pillsbury Spokes model Pop N Fresh died yesterday >of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemimah delivered the eulogy, describing fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.” Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers although he was never one to loaf around. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

COYOTE v. ACME

In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wiley E. Coyote, Plaintiff
v.
Acme Company, Defendant