Category Archives: Humor

Ken’s favorite jokes and funny stories to tickle your funny bone and bring a smile to face. They also add a little life to your youth talks

Butterball Turkey Hotline

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It’s hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (“Will it cook faster if I drive faster?”), but some of these come pretty close.

WARNING: Do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!

  • Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
  • Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn’t have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called “TurkeyCentral” for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
  • Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, “How do you thaw a fresh turkey?” The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren’t frozen and don’t need to be thawed.
  • Don’t wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the “Be prepared” motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
  • Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, “On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can’t.” (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 am to 6 pm, CST.)
  • Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”
  • Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
  • White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
  • A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, “Medium.”
  • A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, “Yes,” then offered complete roasting directions.
  • Then there’s the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

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Halloween Graveyard

A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.” Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward.

Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.

Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.

By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker approaches the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing.”

New Year Resolutions from the Dog

  • Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
  • I will try to leave the cat alone, once in a while.
  • I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
  • Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
  • Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
  • To always scoot before licking.
  • Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
  • January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.
  • I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
  • Next time I fart I will not whimper – so that someone else gets the blame
  • I will worry less about things I can’t eat and play with
  • To smell more things that look interesting
  • To pick more fights with shoes and pillows
  • To take more opportunities to forget what I am doing and nap instead
  • Pay more attention to fallen cactus to avoid owies on the walk.
  • To hog the bed; stretch & spread out; hog the covers.
  • Stretch out on the couch in such a way where there’s no room for peoples or the pets
  • Only reserve kisses for times after making a public display of licking my butt or burping.
  • Counter surf more discreetly.
  • Have my way with the roll of toilet paper. Drag and decorate DIY style throughout the house. Martha Stewart would be proud.
  • Greet strangers with gusto. (Notice ME!)
  • Wag more, bark less.
  • Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
  • I will stay out of the trash, off the counters, and certainly never eat snacks from my boy’s backpack.

New Year’s Resolutions from the Cats

  • My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
  • I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
  • I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.
  • I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
  • I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
  • We will not play “Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti” over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.
  • I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
  • I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
  • I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
  • If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
  • When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
  • It is not necessary to check every door.
  • I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
  • When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
  • I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
  • When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
  • Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
  • I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
  • I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
  • I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my “kill.”
  • I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
  • I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

(Circulating on the internet)

Flight Instructions for 2013

Welcome to Flight #2013, We are prepared for take off into the New Year. Please make sure your Attitude and Blessings are secured and locked in an upright position. All self destructive devices should be turned off at this time. Should we lose Altitude under pressure during the flight, reach up and pull down a Prayer. Prayers will automatically be activated by Faith. Once your Faith is activated you can assist other passengers. There will be NO BAGGAGE allowed on this flight. The captain has cleared us for takeoff. Destination GREATNESS!! Have a Blessed New Year Friends .

New Year’s – Resolutions or Excuses

Found these on cybersalt.org and thought they were humorous for today! While a bit funny, they are also a bit sad because I know some youth who have made similar New Year Resolutions. In fact I have made a few of these myself. We all know what we should do, but it is so easy to make excuses for ourselves.

This year, I resolve to…

  • Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Read less. Makes you think.
  • Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
  • Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
  • Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
  • Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
  • Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  • Don’t have eight children at once.
  • Get in a whole NEW rut!
  • Start being superstitious.
  • Personal goal: bring back disco.
  • Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
  • Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
  • Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
  • Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
  • Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
  • Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
  • Don’t eat cloned meat.
  • Create loose ends.
  • Get more toys.
  • Get further in debt.
  • Don’t believe politicians.
  • Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
  • Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
  • Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
  • Stay off the International Space Station.
  • Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
  • Associate with even worse business clients.
  • Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
  • Wait around for opportunity.
  • Focus on the faults of others.
  • Mope about my faults.
  • Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

 

Thanksgiving Themed Movies

  • To Kill A Walking Bird
  • My Best Friend’s Dressing
  • The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
  • Casserolablanca
  • The Fabulous Baster Boys
  • 12 Hungry Men
  • Silence of the Yams
  • For Love of The Game Hen
  • I Know What You Ate Last Winter
  • All the President’s Menu
  • White Meat Can’t Jump
  • When Harry Met Salad
  • The Story of U.S.
  • The Wing and I

Signs

This are supposedly real signs that didn't quite have the effect intended.

 

Sign in a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
 
Sign in an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
 
Sign in an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
 
Sign outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc.  Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
 
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
 
Sign outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also
 
Sign outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
 
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand.  Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.
 
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire Parish:
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
 
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
 
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
 
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
 
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
 
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
 
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
 
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn't work)
 
Spotted in a toilet in a london office block:
Toilet out of order.  Please use floor below.

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Are you there?

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said ‘Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom’.

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Crazy Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

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How to Know if You Are Ready to Have Kids

Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight & pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag & fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Seagull In the Sand

  • I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, “And God threw him back down?”

Erasing

family_circus.jpgBill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, “Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” I said, “God tells me.” Jeffy said, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?”

Church for One?

1118843_cow.jpgOn a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.”

He Shows Up Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, Johnny stayed home from church with a babysitter.

When the youth’s family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.

Johnny asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go to church and Jesus shows up.”

 

What’s Inside?

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “pantyhose!”

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Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny

  • Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
  • Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
  • There’s no such thing as too much candy.
  • All work and no play can make you a basket case.
  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
  • Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans.
  • The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
  • An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
  • To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
  • The best things in life are sweet!

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Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

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The Night Before Christmas – Texas Style

Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.
Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?
When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!
And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.
The driver was “whistling” and “shouting” with a will,
The “Horses” (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
“Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right”
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you-all tonight..
The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10 gallon Stetson on the top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
with his beard so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper “Are you really Santa Claus?”
“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.
Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl,
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS-MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

Written by Leon A. Harris in 1952

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Christmas Church Sign

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the “message” he wanted and the “dimensions” needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later… “Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide.”

[Source: Forwarded to Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by Scott Sanderson]

 

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=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

Not Everything Is What It Seems

Two nuns were taking a long drive down a isolated country road to visit a friend when they ran out of gas. Since they were a long way from the nearest city, they decided to walk across a field to a nearby farmhouse to get some help. The farmer gratiously agreed to give them some gasoline but he couldn’t find a container to put it in. After turning the barn upside down he finally found an old bedpan that was a little but could be used to hold some gasoline. The desperate nuns were willing to take the gasoline in the bedpan and walked back across the field to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline into the car from the bedpan, a farmer drove by on his tractor and stopped. “Excuse me sisters,” he said. “I am not a very religious man, but I can’t help admiring your faith.”

While humorous, the story also reminds me of a few spiritual truths:

  1. Don’t judge the contents by the container.
    • “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
    • “Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment.”(John 7:24)
  2. Our actions can be interpreted in different ways by observers but God will rightly judge our actions.
    • God “will give to each person according to what he has done.” (Romans 2:6)
    • “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:4-10)
  3. Observations are not always accurate.
    • “Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.” (1 Corinthians 4:5)

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This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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For Sale? Funny UK Classified Ads

These classified ads supposedly actually appeared in UK Newspapers.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little dog.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything..

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Misconceptions about Worship

We often have a lot of misconceptions about worship.

For a long time my idea of worship was what I saw in church in my small town in Poteet, Texas. I grew up initially in a Methodist church. When we sang, we sang the first, third and fifth verses. A friend of mine in a Presbyterian church only sang the first and fourth verses. When I was old enough to drive – age 16, I attended a Baptist church. They sang all the verses most of the time, but usually split the congregation into women and men on different verses.

So, the difference for me and worship was the difference between Methodists and the Presbyterians and the Baptists; the Methodists had the third verse, the Presbyterians cut that one out, The Baptist had them all, but only the women were allowed to sing some of them. Then there was the Church of Christ right next door to the Baptist church. They sang the same songs, but didn’t have any music. And there were also the charismatics, they not only had music, but they danced!

There was also a difference in Communion. In the Presbyterian and Methodist church you went forward to receive communion. In the Baptist church they brought it to you then passed around a bag and asked for a tip! At the Catholic Church down the street, you weren’t even allowed to touch it and were fed by a priest.

Methodist preachers tended to be boring and monotone. The Baptist preachers seemed to think the congregation was hard of hearing and shouted a lot. In the charismatic churches, the congregation seemed to talk as much as the pastor!

Yet, these were not worship, but merely differences in how worship was expressed.

What is worship to you? Would love to hear your definitions of worship.

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

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Kid’s Instructions for Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart-off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don’t flush the toilet when your dad’s in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

 

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Worst Mother’s Day Gifts from Youth and Husbands

Mother’s Day can be a wonderful celebration, but it is also a very dangerous day for youth and fathers. The biggest peril is buying a Mother’s Day Gift. After all, everyone is supposed to know what she wants. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy.

So, whether you are a youth or the husband, here are some Mother’s Day gifts to avoid. Of course there are mothers who do love some these gifts, but for the most part, the rest of the world’s mothers would be delighted if you carefully avoid them.

Hopefully this list will keep you out of trouble, but then again, mother’s also have this uncanny desire to be different, to be an exception to the norm, sometimes just to keep you guessing.

Of course, regardless of what you get her, she’ll tell you how much she loves it. After all, she’s your mom. But later, when you are out of site, she’ll wonder why her son or daughter or husband couldn’t think of something more personal.

Mother’s Day Gifts that Youth to Avoid

Anything Vaguely Related to Weight
No matter how much mom talks about wanting to lose weight, Mother’s Day is NOT the day to give her a loving hand with her love handles. Forget the diet books, the exercise equipment, the membership to the slimming salon. Nothing says “I love you, Mom” quite like anything that hints at weight loss, getting healthier, or looking better. Stay away from anything designed to let her know where she could use a little improvement.

HINT: Don’t use Mother’s Day to buy a mom a scale, a tape measure, or anything that even vaguely suggests that mom is not incredibly beautiful just the way she is!

Clothes
Clothes are a lose-lose situation. If they are too small, she’ll think she’s fat because she can’t wear them. If they are too big then she’ll be offended that you think she is so fat. And don’t event mention colors and fashion.

HINT: Clothes are best avoided at all costs unless you taker her shopping!

Anything for the Bathroom
The rose scented bubble bath that you bought her last year is still under her bathroom sink, unopened. So is the one from the year before that. Scented soaps and bath gels carry a subtle hint that mom stinks and needs to bathe more often. And, you will be grown and have youth of your own long before mom finds the time for a relaxing soak in a Bubble Bath!

HINT: Avoid bath soaps, shampoo, bubble bath, and shower gels

Cleaning Supplies
While mothers often complain about how much easier it would be to clean the house if they had the new Tornado 2000 vacuum cleaner that sucks up every speck of dust in sight, or that new self-wringing mop from the infomercial on late night TV, Mother’s Day is not the day to entertain her cleaning needs. Anything used to clean doesn’t say “I love You, Mom” but instead hints that she isn’t doing enough around the house to clean up after the youth and kids. Even though you are trying to get her something to lighten her workload, the last thing she wants to be reminded of on Mother’s Day is that she is the same level as a live in maid.

HINT: Why not clean the entire house for your mom on Mother’s Day. She might pass out in shock, but at least she’ll have a smile on her face.

Household Appliances
Don’t give mom gifts that make her work harder. Mother’s Day is about appreciation and relaxation, not cleaning appliances and sanitation. Its not about a new washer, a steam cleaner, a sewing machine, and most certainly not about the new iron. And if you are replacing something that’s broken — it doesn’t even count as a Mother’s Day gift. Giving appliances for Mother’s Day is like your boss giving you work to take home on the weekend.

HINT: Surprise her with the appliances on another day of the year, just to say “I love you.” And instead of simply presenting it to her all wrapped up in a box, take it out, use it to get the job done, then tie a bow on it. Mom will love that you helped out more than the fact that you got her a gift.

Things for the Kitchen
Just because mom admired the new turbo toaster that not only toasts but also butters the bread, doesn’t mean that mother’s day is the her special day to get one. After all, how often does she make toast for herself? Sure, these appliances might make her life a little easier in the kitchen, but you’re the one she cooks for anyway!

HINT: Avoid anything that hints at the kitchen – bread makers, knives, food processors, blenders, can openers, salt and pepper shakers, pots, pans, aprons are best avoided. Surprise her with them on another day!

Something on Your Personal Wishlist
Mother’s Day is not the day to kill to birds with one stone. Who’s going to spend the most time glued in front of the new 3D LCD TV? Nor do they want sports equipment, or anything for a car. If you are a youth who already has a driver’s licence, why not take her shopping.

HINT: Moms don’t want basketballs, sports shoes, soccer balls, new windshield wiper blades, floormats, unless they have a true passion for such things.

Anything that’s Alive and Needs Mom’s Help to Stay Alive!
If it poops, slithers, or crawls and needs to eat or drink, it is probably not a good idea. Houseplants that need care are probably out too. Maybe a tree or a rosebush planted outside that requires little care would work if she likes such things. Mother’s gave gifts like these send the message: “Hey mom, you don’t have enough to do. Taking care of the pets and watering the plants will keep you from getting bored around the house while I am at school!” We all know that eventually, she’ll be responsible for taking care of them!

HINT: Flowers are ok, as long as they are given together with something else. Given by themselves they just reveal that you thought about a Mother’s Day gift for the 5 minutes it took to put it on your dad’s credit card.

IOU Coupons and Homemade Gifts
Offering free housecleaning, dishwashing or to walk the is nice. But shouldn’t dad and the youth be doing these things once in a while for mom anyway? Anyway, when was the last time a mom successfully redeemed a coupon for these services. Life’s busy schedule always seems to get in the way. And somehow the redemption always seems to be requested at the busiest times. Homemade gifts are just as risky. Moms usually treasure the thought when you are really young, and they may stay on the shelf for public display, long after you have grown up and left home. But as your grow older, homemade gifts will be fussed over and displayed for a while, but them placed in a drawer and forgotten unless they are really well done. And this includes anything that has “#1 Mom” written on it. They are great for yard sales, but every other mom has one just like it.

HINT: Personalise gifts when you can, but be very careful with picture frames, homemade jewelry, and arts and crafts.

Things Mom Needs
There are always things that Mom’s need. A new towel, sheets for the bed, diaper bags, craft supplies. The list is never ending. But Mom’s deserve something SPECIAL on Mother’s Day. If it is something she needs, save ot for another day. These kinds of things should be provided as needed anyway. And a new computer probably isn’t the best either, though she might enjoy an ipad 2. Anyway, everyone knows you want the new computer to play the latest online games and chat with your friends on facebook.

HINT: Instead of giving her something functional, get her something extravagant for mother’s day. It doesn’t have to cost a lot, it just needs to be out of the ordinary.

E-Gifts and Cards
We live in the internet age, but Mom’s won’t find virtual gifts very endearing. “Dear Mom, I cared enough to send you the very best e-card!” Mom likes the joy of opening a present and holding something real in her hands. This includes online games, facebook additions, computer wallpapers and emails. And you ought to be giving her digital photos on a regular basis anyway! A simple text message is even worse.

HINT: It’s always best to meet her in person and present a physical gift, even if it is your presence, rather than give her anything digital. If you want to give her something digital, why not give her that sheik new smartphone, a digital picture frame loaded with all your favorite photos or a nice new digital camera. Just make sure you are buying it for her, and not for yourself!

The Absolute WORST Mother’s Day Gift
Don’t get her anything at all, don’t do anything with her, or completely forget that today is her special day! Nothing says “I love you” like forgetting about the very special woman who spent years changing your diaper, packing your lunch and yelling at you to “clean your room” while quietly cleaning it for you while you were away at school.

HINT: Even if you have to buy her a last-minute gift, and break all the rules above, never show up empty handed on Mother’s Day!

Be sure and wish your Mom a wonderful and Blessed Mother’s Day!

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Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration or youth event in honor of mothers. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do with your youth in celebration of the various holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Things Mother Would Never Say

On Mother’s Day we take the opportunity to thank our mothers for all the advice and care they have given to us over the years, especially during our years as children and as youth. But a mother is a mother forever!

As something a little different, why not add a comment by clicking on the comment link in the box at the bottom of this post and share a real word of advice given to you by your mother.

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”
“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
“Well, if Ron’s mamma says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve.”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

And be sure to let your mom know you appreciate her this Sunday for Mother’s Day!

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Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration or youth event for mothers.  If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for Mother’s Day and other familiar holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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A Mother’s Day Card from Calvin and Hobbes

In a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip for Mother’s Day, Calvin is shown standing beside his
mother’s bed.

“Hey, Mom! Wake up. I made you a Mother’s Day card.”
“My, how sweet of you.” she says.
“I did it all by myself. Go ahead & read it.” Calvin responds.

So she reads it:
“I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink & red.
But then I thought I’d rather spend the money on me instead.
It’s awfully hard to buy things when one’s allowance is so small.
So I guess you’re pretty lucky I got you anything at all.
Happy Mother’s Day. There, Iíve said it. Now I’m done.
So how about getting out of bed & fixing breakfast for your son.”
Signed, “Calvin.”

“I’m deeply moved.” said his mother.
“Did you notice the part about my allowance?” He asks.

Take it to the Next Level
I sometimes wonder if our praise to God is often along the same lines?
We often fail to give to God because we are more concerned about using the money for ourselves.
I have bills to pay, kids to feed and my wife’s shopping sprees to pay for…
“I’d rather spend it on me.”
And then, we give God our praise, and worship,
but in the back of our minds we have an agenda:
“God, would you mind taking a look at my allowance?”

 

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration or youth event in honor of mothers. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do with your youth for the various holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Top 10 Signs Your Cat has Learned Your Facebook Password

10. Private Messages from some guy named “Fluffy.”
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find strange fanpages have been liked i.e. Recreational Catnip Users.
7. Your Facebook has numerous links to Funny Feline Films
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. All your facebook friends with Dog Photos have been mysteriously unfriended
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. Your facebook account has been linked to a new twitter account: IronMouser
2. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
1. Your Facebook profile Picture has been replaced with a photo of your cat

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

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The Cave

An adventurous youth was hiking through the German forest when he saw a dark opening in a cliff indicating a deep cave. With the excitement of adventure, the youth decided to go exploring. He carefully made his way into the opening and not too far from the entrance, he saw a flickering light in the passage far ahead. A typical teenager, ever curious, he had to see what was inside the cave.

As he rounded a corner in the passage the youth was surprised to find a very old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the musical notes off of the paper and tossing the blank sheets aside.

The youth was astonished when he recognized the old man as Mozart. He’d seen pictures of Mozart in his music class and even a bronze statue of the man. But it couldn’t be. Mozart was dead. After watching for a couple more minutes he pointedly asked, “I know it’s impossible, but are you Mozart?”

The old man slowly looked up and and with lifeless eyes replied, “Yes, I am Mozart”,

The astonished youth had to clarify “Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?”

Again the reply was “Yes, I am he.”

“But, you’ve been dead for centuries. What are you doing sitting here rubbing notes off of the sheet music?” the youth asked.

Then old man looked up with an intent gaze and said,
“Decomposing!”

——

Take it to the Next Level
ARGH! I know – a very BAD Joke. But as a New Year begins I wonder if it reflects the life of many youth today. Is their life moving toward the creation of a “Masterpiece” in the Master’s Hand, or is life slowly decomposing – falling apart as they are tossed aside. Blank stares staring back from a forest of people around us. Blank Sheets of paper tossed aside and hidden from view. Last year might have been a masterpiece or a failure. But every day is blank piece of paper and it is up to us whether we will compose a masterpiece, or sit decomposing. Instead of trying to erase the past, create a fantastic future.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

“…Each man’s work will become evident” and the quality of each man’s work will be tested. 1 Corinthians 3:10-15

 


MORE IDEAS? See “Creative Object Lessons”

200 page e-book that explains everything you need to know when planning your very own object lessons. It contains 90 fully developed object lesson ideas and another 200 object lesson starter ideas based on Biblical idioms and Names / Descriptions of God.

Learn More…

Early Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

 

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Thanksgiving Humor

Thanksgiving Humour to enliven the conversation around the Thanksgiving Dinner Table

Looking for some conversation starters around he Thanksgiving Dinner Table? These Thanksgiving jokes and humorous stories can add a few laughs and get a little conversation going when you can’t think of anything else to talk about.


Thanksgiving Prayer
 – Sometimes Children, in moments of honesty say the funniest things.

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven – Tongue in Cheek Thanksgiving Poem that is sure to make you burst out laughing

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving – Humorous Parody of “The Night Before Christmas” with a Thanksgiving Theme.

Thanksgiving: Frozen Turkeys – Short Thanksgiving joke that is sure to solicit a few groans around the dinner table.

Both of Them This Thanksgiving Humor reminds us that the truth has a way of catching up to us.

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much Thanksgiving Dinner – This top ten list for Thanksgiving reminds us that it is not only the turkey that is stuffed at Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Weather Report – Humorous look at some of the characteristics of a typical Thanksgiving in the form of a Thanksgiving weather report.

Thanksgiving is Coming – Humorus reflections on life from a Turkey as Thanksgiving approaches.

Thanksgiving Cookbook – This small Thanksgiving Cookbook filled with recipes from a group Kindergarten kids is sure to get you laughing.

ButterBall Turkey Hotline – Supposedly true stories from the ButterBall Turkey Hotline

Turkey Riddles for Thanksgiving Jokes and riddles that are based around a Thanksgiving Theme

College Students and Thanksgiving Humor Top Ten reasons college students are going home for Thanksgiving

Too Much Turkey – Humerous look at the way we stuff ourselves on Thanksgiving

Turkey Talk – Thanksgiving jokes and riddles related to Turkeys

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

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Politically Correct Youth Ministry

  • A youth’s bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”
  • Youth don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
  • Youth don’t have a bad hair day; they’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
  • No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
  • Youth are not shy. They’re “conversationally selective.”
  • Youth don’t talk a lot. They’re just “abundantly verbal.”
  • Youth don’t gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
  • A youth’s homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
  • Youth don’t sleeping in class; they’re “rationing consciousness.”
  • Youth don’t have smelly gym socks; they have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
  • Youth don’t pass notes in class. They are “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
  • Youth aren’t sent to the principal’s office. They’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

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Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

What is Easter?

The church Pastor is giving the children his yearly Easter Children’s Sermon. Three of the children are more vocal than the rest.

The Pastor asks the first child, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The child replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful.”

“That’s Thanksgiving, not Easter”, replies the Pastor, and proceeds to ask the second child.

The second child replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of…….. of Jesus.”

The pastor looks at the second child, says, “It is about Jesus, but that is Christmas, not Easter.” He looks at the third child and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The third child smiles and looks the pastor in the eye.

“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”

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Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

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Jesus: His Ministry Today

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth over again today, He would be wanted by…

The FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

The EPA for killing fig trees,

The AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

The Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000
people in the wilderness,

The NEA for teaching without a certificate,

OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,

The NATIONAL BOARD OF PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,

The NOW for not choosing a woman among the 12 disciples,

The ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever harms children, it is better that they had never been born,

The INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other religions,

And by the ZONING DEPT. for building mansions without a permit.

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Santa’s Prayer on Christmas Eve

Author Unknown

The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

“Dear Father,” he prayed “Be with me tonight.
There’s much work to do and my schedule is tight.

I must jump in my sleigh and streak through the sky,
Knowing full well that a reindeer can’t fly.

I will visit each household before the first light,
I’ll cover the world and all in one night.

With sleigh bells a-ringing, I’ll land on each roof,
Amid the soft clatter of each little hoof.

To get in the house is the difficult part,
So I’ll slide down the chimney of each child’s heart.

My sack will hold toys to grant all their wishes.
The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.

I will fill all the stockings and not leave a track.
I’ll eat every cookie that is left for my snack.

I can do all these things Lord, only through You,
I just need your blessing, then it’s easy to do.

All this is to honor the birth of the One,
That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.

So to all of my friends, least Your glory I rob,
Please Lord, remind them who gave me this job.”

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Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!
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If Jesus Were Born Today

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child’s father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.

Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing (97% probability that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn’t happen, hmmm?). He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union).

The Division of Children and Family Services would ask the court to order Mary to take parenting classes, and the Court would order that homemaker services be provided as well, since obviously Mary can’t keep house properly (the place where the DHS workers found the child was kept remarkably like a barn).

Mary would be allowed to have one visit with Jesus per week at the Centers for Youth and Families. The visit would be one hour long, and supervised by a therapist since Jesus would no doubt be put in therapeutic foster care to prevent psychological damage resulting from the horrible lack of civilization to which he had been exposed at such a tender age.

At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would consider terminating parental rights because of Mary’s refusal to bring a paternity suit against Jesus’ true biological father (or even to identify him to the satisfaction of the Court). The Court would be appalled at the life choices Mary would have made: she would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that suspected sexual deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously contrary to Jesus’ best interest.

Since Mary and Joseph had fled the jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the authorities, they would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious plans to abscond with the Ward of the State to Egypt again, where they would possibly engage in dangerous and illegal activities with him. Parental rights would be terminated, and Jesus would be put up for adoption.

He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically powerful family, who have been searching for just such a child as Jesus. Of course, Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive family, because that’s all they wanted him for in the first place. Social services will NOT have intervened prior to his death because the state social workers could never imagine someone as highly placed as the Herods exploiting children or torturing them to death. The political ramifications for the Herods would have been too severe. In all likelihood, the social service agencies would cover up the death as one occurring from accident, and Herod’s good name will be preserved.

Source unknown

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Christmas Expectations

A middle-aged woman posted her Christmas wish list on the refrigerator door so her husband would be sure not to miss it.

Rather than listing certain items of desire, she simply wanted her husband to use a little romantic creativity and so requested, “this year, get me something that will make me look beautiful for you.”

When Christmas rolled around, she expected to open a package with some expensive clothing inside. To her surprise, he gave her an exercise bike.

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Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

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Christmas Down-Sizing

Seasons Greetings

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that email does not support typeface control]

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

  • The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
  • The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. [The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
  • The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
  • The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
  • The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
  • The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
  • As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
  • Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
  • Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
  • Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Source Unknown

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CEO Of Santa, Inc. Resigns

The rumor is confirmed. The big guy, CEO of Santa, Inc., has resigned. He will Ho Ho Ho no more, at least, not in any official capacity. SheepTrax Undercover investigators have obtained a journalistic exclusive, a copy of Santa’s shocking resignation letter. Fans of the big elf, read it and weep. – Editor.


Dear Jesus, Effectively immediately, I have disbanded the Board of Directors and hereby resign as CEO of Santa, Inc. We are hereby dissolved.

Bluntly, I’ve been a fraud. While we both know December 25th isn’t really your birthday, it was still kind of cool that people took one special day a year to honor you with gifts like those Magi did so long ago. When we started, I simply wanted to honor you, too.

Sure, I started well enough. I just wanted in on the action, blessing kids and all. But you always got the attention. It was all about you! I froze my jolly tail off year after year being your glorified delivery boy and for what? A plate of stale cookies and fighting with cats for an occasional glass of sour milk? My unheated sled wasn’t even equipped with a golden parachute! You try bolting around this miserable little planet dodging jets, terrorist missiles, and slack-jawed hunters drooling the word, “venison!”

The Santa gig got old. Over time, I simply soured inside, and began devising a hostile takeover coup of Christmas. I can admit now. I wanted to be you. I don’t know where I ever picked up a copy of Judas’ bestseller, How To Write Your Own Ticket With God but he was my inspiration, my guide for the journey to the dark side of Christmas.

Being CEO of Santa, Inc. was a dream job, at first anyway. I worked a whopping one day a year, did oodles of PR work schmoozing with celebrities, and headed my own private army of displaced mindless munchkins who did my bidding with no union interference. Bill Gates should do as well.

Somehow, I got jealous of all the attention you received. Manny Mammon stepped in and helped engineer our break with you, supplanting you with me as CEO. Funny thing, but for a while our holiday hijacking worked. My name was in lights. Kids read about me, idolized me, and wanted to be me. I was the star of my own Christmas Pageant! But conscience came calling.

One recent Christmas Eve, during the final moments of the pre-launch countdown, I was double-checking my Naughty and Nice lists. Hackers had tried to infiltrate our mainframe and play havoc with the gift list. Our new Anti-CyberTerrorism division intercepted their little ploy and responded with our new “Lump of Coal” hard drive-melting virus. Hey, an elf’s gotta do what an elf’s gotta do.

Anyway, I suddenly remembered that you have the original Master Naught and Nice lists. You really do know who is sleeping and who is awake. While it’s part of my corporate vision statement, without your guidance, the truth is I was only guessing. In a moment of blinding clarity, I realized that I screwed the whole Christmas gig up for everyone. It’s not about you anymore. It’s not even about me. It’s about Mammon and Greed and promoting everything I once stood against. I have become what I hated.

I realized which of your lists I was on and began to weep.

I went incognito to the Mall of America and listened to my theme songs droning on and on over the intercom system. I was hoping to hear even one hymn, one song of worship; Silent Night even. Alas, nothing but jungles and reindeer drinking songs. I’m the guy who killed Christmas.

Jesus, I stabbed you in the back and have finally come to see I am not at all a jolly good fellow, but more of a Goodfellow. I’m just a red-suited, black-booted thug. I sinned. Please forgive me.

The reindeer were released back into the wild, which should make those tree-hugging buffoons at PETA rejoice. I’ve subcontracted the elves out to a multi-national conglomerate in Japan. They rock at making PlayStations. Perhaps I’ll open an Elves Big & Tall Shoppe, or shave and do Sumo wrestling. I don’t know. Somehow, I have to stop the insanity of X-Mas. Any ideas? Is there any way to put Christ back in Christmas?

I royally screwed up. Sorry.

Your broken-hearted pal,

Kriss Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Claus

Bryan Hupperts © 2003 – 2008
You may freely copy and forward this material provided it is not for resale or profit. All right reserved. www.sheeptrax.com/xpress

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Not a Turkey

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,”
little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Thanksgiving event, as well as other familiar holidays. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all the various common holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Turkey Riddles for Thanksgiving

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
‘Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey’s favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
Tur-key.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Thanksgiving event, as well as a lot of other familiar holidays. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all the common holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Waiting Till the Last Minute?

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’

The minister chuckled, ‘I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.’

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Noah’s Wife

A preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of Sunday school boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible, so they de-cided to have some fun. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

On the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. ‘Noah took unto himself a wife.’ he began, ‘and she was’ — he turned the page to continue — ‘three hundred cubits long, fifty cu-bits wide and thirty cubits high.’

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently, turned the page. Then he looked up at his congregation and said. ‘I’ve been studying this Bible for almost fifty years, but there are still some things in it that are hard to believe.’

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Hillbilly Computing

LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c’mon in y’all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask

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The Easiest Part Of Being A Mother Is Giving Birth

For the first four or five years after I had children, I considered motherhood a temporary condition – not a calling. It was a time of my life set aside for exhaustion and long hours. It would pass. Then one afternoon with three kids in tow, I came out of the supermarket pushing a cart (with four wheels that went in opposite directions) when my toddler son got away from me.

Just outside the door, he ran toward a machine holding bubble gum in a glass dome. In a voice that shattered glass, he shouted, “Gimme! Gimme!” I told him I would gimme him what-for if he didn’t stop shouting and get in the car. As I physically tried to pry his body from around the bubble gum machine, he pulled the entire thing over. Glass and balls of bubble gum went all over the parking lot. We had now attracted a crowd. Donna Reed would have brushed away his tears and granted him absolution on the spot. I wasn’t Donna Reed. I told him he would never see another cartoon as long as he lived, and if he didn’t control his temper he was going to be making license plates for the state. He tried to stifle his sobs as he looked around at the staring crowd. Then he did something that I was to remember the rest of my life. In his helpless quest for comfort, he turned to the only one he trusted his emotions with – me. He threw his arms around my knees and held on for dear life. I had humiliated him, chastised him and berated him, but I was still all he had. That single incident defined my role. I was a major force in this child’s life. Sometimes we forget how important stability is to a child. I’ve always told mine, “The easiest part of being a mother is giving birth. The hardest part is showing up for it each day.”

This is traditionally the day when children give something back to their mothers for all the spit they produced to wash dirty faces, all the old gum their mothers held in their hands, all the noses and fannies that were wiped, and all the bloody knees that were ” made well” with a kiss. This is the day mothers are rewarded for washing all those sheets in the middle of the night, driving kids to school when they missed the bus and enduring all the football games in the rain. It’s appreciation day for making them finish something, not believing them when they said, “I hate you,” and for sharing their good times and their bad times. Their cards probably won’t reflect it, but what they are trying to say is “Thank you for showing up.”

Erma Bombeck, BEING A MOM MEANS YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP. , St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 05-09-1993, pp 12C.

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Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration of youth event honoring mothers. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do with the youth for various common holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Job Advertisement

JOB ADVERTISEMENT!!

The Kingdom of God is hiring!
Are you ready to apply? Do you qualify?

JOB TITLE:
Disciples for Christ

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Tell the dying world how to live through Jesus Christ

NUMBER OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS:
Unlimited; everyone is welcome–preachers, teachers, singers, musicians, missionaries, custodians, food servers, and numerous others that we just can’t list them all here

EXCEPTION TO AVAILABLE POSITIONS:
The vacancy of BOSS has already been filled by the Holy Spirit

QUALIFICATIONS:
Must have previously sinned and been blood washed; must be willing to press toward the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus

EXPERIENCE NEEDED:
None necessary; experience will be earned through on-the-job training

EDUCATION:
The Holy Spirit will teach you all things

BENEFIT PACKAGE/SALARY:
God (the employer) shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus

Medical Aid Insurance:
Access to the Master Physician Plan

PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES:
Love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering; Lawyer, Comforter, and a Wonderful Counsellor

RECOMPENSE FOR COMPLETING THE JOB ASSIGNMENT:
The most important benefit, ETERNAL LIFE with the employer.

DEADLINE FOR APPLICATIONS:
Before the return of Jesus Christ; date/hour not known; wise to apply TODAY, RIGHT NOW

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Great Men of God

It was a warm summer day. Two elders decided to invite one of the deacons to their weekly fishing trip. The deacon was excited and decided to go. When they were all in the boat and the boat was well out in the middle of the lake one elder said, “Oh no, I forgot my fishing rod. Wait here while I go get it.” The elder walked out across the lake all the way back to his car and walked back across the water to his boat.

The deacon was amazed at this great feat. But that was nothing. The second elder said, “Oh no, I forgot the bait.” So just like the first elder he stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, went back to the car, got the bait, and then walked back to the boat. The deacon was in great amazement now. He was thinking, “Gee, these must really be great men of God to be able to walk across the water.”

Then the deacon remembered that he forgot his hooks. He told the elders that he did not have his hooks and that he was going back to the car to get them. The elders did not say anything so the deacon took a deep breath, stepped out of the boat, into the water and sank to the bottom of the lake. Then the first elder looked at the second elder and said, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

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Old Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mommy, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s clothes”

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Cowboy’s Guide to Life

DON’T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY’S GUIDE TO LIFE
by Texas Bix Bender

  • Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
  • There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • Never ask a man the size of his spread.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  • If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
  • Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
  • It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
  • If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
  • Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Don’t Walk

A little old lady in New York for the first time, crossed Times Square against traffic and somehow managed to make it safely to the opposite curb, where a traffic cop was glaring at her with strong disapproval. “Didn’t you see that sign?” he asked.

“What sign?” the lady asked.

The policeman pointed at the flashing warning on the traffic signal, “DON’T WALK.”

“Oh I saw it all right,” the lady said, “but I thought it was an ad for a bus company.”

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Angry?

One man had such a problem with anger that he stopped driving and started taking the bus to work. One morning he overslept and had to drive. When he opened the garage door he saw that the rear wall–the one his teen-aged son smashed when he stepped on the gas pedal instead of the brake–hadn’t been fixed. He was angry with the carpenter he had hired to make the repairs. In a rage he ran into the house and telephoned the carpenter. “You said that you would have it fixed by noon yesterday,” he stormed.

“Let me ask you one question,” said the carpenter quietly. “Did your son drive the car in the afternoon?”

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Youth Minister Performance Rating

Far exceeds require -ments Exceeds Require -ments Meets Require- ments Needs some improve -ment Does not meet minimum requirements
Adapta -bility Leaps tall obstacles with a single bound Must take running start to leap over obstacles Can leap over small obstacles only Crashes into obstacles when attempting to leap over them Cannot recognise obstacles at all
Responsive -ness Is faster than a speeding bullet Is as fast as a speeding bullet Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet Would you believe a slow bullet Usually wounds self with bullet
Character Strength Is stronger than a herd of bulls Is stronger than several bulls Is stronger than one bull Shoots the bull Gored by the bull
Spiritual Maturity Walks on water consistently Walks on water in emergencies Swims in water Washes in water Drowns
Enthusiasm and Influence Enthralls huge crowds Enthralls his congrega -tion Interest his congrega -tion Only his wife listens to him Not even his wife listens
Communica -tion Talks with God Talks with the angels Talks with himself Argues with himself Loses argument with himself

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Coming or Going?

One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the field behind the barn. It sounded like she was in hard labor. He went out, and, sure enough, it was a breech birth. He tried to turn the calf around, but it was too late–the legs were already coming out. The only thing he could do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth. This field was right next to the roadside, and a red Mercedes stopped, and a man jumped out “May I assist?” The farmer replied, “Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!”

So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf out. The farmer, very grateful, said, “Wait a minute while I run back and get my wallet–I owe you for this.”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t dream of accepting anything for this service. However, there is one question you can answer for me.”

“Anything!” the farmer said.

“How fast was the little one going when it ran into the big one?”

Sometimes in life we get so busy and the pace of life becomes so fast that we wonder whether we are coming or going. Slow down.. take time to enjoy the new life you have been given in Christ.

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Where I Came from

As she tucked her little girl into bed, it happened…

“Mommy,” the little girl pleaded, “where did I come from?” The mother sighed and cleared her throat before speaking.
“Well, honey. I knew some day you’d ask mommy this question,”and for the next fifteen minutes, she explained the facts of life in great detail to her daughter. “There now Honey. Do you understand?” “Well,” the sleepy little girl replied, “I think so.” “Why’d you ask anyway Darling?” the mother probed. “Oh, Johnny next door said he was from Boston so I just wondered where I came from.”

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Dead Horses

Texas wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in the Church we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

  • Changing riders
  • Buying a strong whip
  • Trying a new bit or bridle
  • Moving the horse to a new location
  • Riding the horse for longer periods of time
  • Saying things like, “This is the way we have always ridden this horse.”
  • Appointing a committee to study the horse
  • Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
  • Increasing the standards for riding dead horses.
  • Creating a test for measuring our riding ability
  • Comparing the state of dead horses today
  • Complaining about the state of dead horses today
  • Coming up with new styles of riding dead horses
  • Blaming the horse’s parents
  • Tightening the cinch
  • Passing legislation which declares that “this horse is not dead!”
  • Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed
  • Trying to resuscitate the dead horse
  • Praying for the dead horse to be resurrected
  • Convince a stranger that the dead horse is resting up for the next day’s work.
  • Sell the dead horse to the stranger.

Author: Fr. Ed Gustafson in Green Valley, Az.

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Christ of the Andes

Years ago, a large statue of Christ was erected high in the Andes on the border between Argentina and Chile. Called “Christ of the Andes,” the statue symbolizes a pledge between the two countries that as long as the statue stands, there will be peace between Chile and Argentina. Shortly after the statue was erected, the Chileans began to protest that they had been slighted — the statue had its back turned to Chile. Just when tempers were at their highest in Chile, a Chilean newspaperman saved the day. In an editorial that not only satisfied the people but made them laugh, he simply said, “The people of Argentina need more watching over than the Chileans. ”

Source: Bits & Pieces, June 25, 1992

Sometimes the solution to conflict is learning to see something from a different perspective.

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Top 20 things overheard on the Wise men’s journey

20. You’ve heard the old saying about the Camel being the ship of the desert? WELLLLL, I’m getting seasick.
19. OK, we got gold. We got the frankincense. We got the Myrrh. Think we should get something more practical, like diapers maybe?
18. I thought this was SUPPOSED to be a WEEKEND road trip. Boy, is my wife ever gonna be ticked when I get home.
17. All this gazing at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.
16. Wise men. They call us wise men. What’s so WISE about wandering around the the desert for three years?
15. I still say it wouldn’t hurt to drop by Balthazar’s place for another visit on the way back. That was SOME buffet!
14. 16 hours a day on a camel. Are you sure this beats walking?
13. All in all, I’d rather be a shepherd. All they ever do is stand around and WATCH the stars. We have to FOLLOW one.
12. Time to check the map again, I think we took a wrong turn at Amal’s house.
11. Why should I always have to be in the rear? It’s somebody else’s turn to get sand in his face.
10. I need to stop at the Bazaar in the next town and pick up one more gift.
9. C’mon, we gotta stop and ask for directions, if we don’t this trip could take years.
8. You guys have any idea how to treat saddle sores?
7. Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
6. You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.
5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?
3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?
2. Okay, who forgot to give their camel a bath before we left?
1. Whaddya mean we’ll be part of history? A year from now, nobody will have a clue why we did this.

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Christmas Humor

“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.”
– Larry Wilde

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
– Bernard Manning

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
– Unknown

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.”
– Robert Lynd

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”
– Victor Borge

“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”
– Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
– Jay Leno

“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… ”
– Berke Breathed

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”
– Unknown

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
– Dave Barry

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Top Ten Reasons College Students Are Going Home for the Thanksgiving

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible furball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell …okay, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall … in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to “when I first started teaching here …” you can be entertained by “when your mother was your age …” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!”

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

And, the number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving…

1. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

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Thank God

A man had been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day–actually, they’re all hot–he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, “However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Anxious to get to town, the man says, “Sure, okay” and gets on the horse. He says, “Thank God” and sho ’nuff, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!” and the horse is soon up to a full run!

About then he realizes he’s heading for a huge cliff and yells “Whoa!” But the horse doesn’t even slow! It’s coming up REAL QUICK and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally he remembers “AMEN!!!”

The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff’s edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. “Oh!” he says, gasping for air, “Thank God.”

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For what we are about to receive

Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn’t make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, “Put up a prayer, John. We’re in for it!”

John answered, “I can’t. I’ve never made a public prayer in my life.”

“But you must!” implored his companion. “The bull is catching up to us.”

“All right,” panted John, “I’ll say the only prayer I know, the one my father used to repeat at the table:
’O Lord, for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.’”

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Turkey Talk

What does a turkey say?

“Gobble, gobble, gobble”?

A jewelry-lovin’ turkey?
“Bauble bauble bauble”

A dyslexic turkey?
“Boggle boggle boggle”

A turkey in the shoe repair shop?
“Cobble cobble cobble”

A turkey with a sore leg?
“Hobble hobble hobble.”

A football turkey say?
“Huddle, huddle, huddle”

A dieting turkey?
“Nibble, nibble nibble.”

A turkey who argues a lot?
“Squabble squabble squabble.”

Dizzy Turkey?
“Wobble wobble wobble!”

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Wacky Warning Labels: Personal Hygene

Dial soap
Directions: Use like regular soap

Deodorant
Do not use intimately.

Tampax Tampons
Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Hotel Shower Cap
Fits one head.

A rock garden
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A box of birthday cake candles
DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.

Curling Iron
For external use only!

blanket from Taiwan
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes

Taiwanese shampoo
Use repeatedly for severe damage

Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer
WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.

A flushable toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.

A hand-held massager
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

A container of underarm deodorant
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

A massage chair
DO NOT use massage chair without clothing… and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.

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In Perspective

A college girl wrote home:

Dear Mom & Dad,

I guess you heard by now that the dorm burned down. We were all in the basement smoking marijuana, and I guess somehow we set the dorm on fire. But no one was hurt, and we got most of our belongings out in time. Oh, and I’m getting married soon. You see, I have to, because I’m going to have a baby… you’ll meet Bob soon, he’s got a really swell Harley…

Actually… I’m not pregnant, and I don’t even know anyone named Bob… and I’m not going to get married. There was no fire and wouldn’t know what to do with marijuana… but I did flunk chemistry, and I just wanted you to be able to put it into perspective!

Your daughter

Take it to the Next Level
Perspective plays a big role in how we respond to things. How would we view the circumstances of life differently if we were to have God’s perspective? Would the same things still be important? Would some things suddenly have greater significance?

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

How do we gain God’s perspective:

  1. Prayer
  2. Understand the heart and character of God (Psalms 103:8-12)
  3. The Word of God (2 Timothy 3:16)
  4. The Mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16)
  5. God Spirit within us (1 Corinthians 2:12-13)

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Chihuahua and the Lion

A lady takes her pet chihuahua with her on a safari holiday. Wandering too far one day the chihuahua gets lost in the bush, and soon encounters a very hungry looking lion.

The chihuahua realizes he’s in trouble, but, noticing some fresh bones on the ground, he settles down to chew on them, with his back to the big cat. As the lion is about to leap, the chihuahua smacks his lips and exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious lion. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

The lion stops mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees.
“Phew,” says the lion, “that was close – that evil little creature nearly had me.”

A monkey nearby sees everything and thinks he’ll win a favor by putting the stupid lion straight. When the lion hears the monkey’s story he feels angry at being made a fool, and offers the monkey a ride back to see him exact his revenge.

The little dog sees them approaching and fears the worse.

Thinking quickly, the little dog turns his back, pretends not to notice them, and when the pair are within earshot says aloud, “Now where’s that monkey gone? I sent him ages ago to bring me another lion….”

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No Exit

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the reception desk and says: “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

Many times in life, we mistakenly believe there’s no way out. But with God, nothing is impossible.

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Cleaning Elevators

A new hotel employee was asked to clean the elevators and report back to the supervisor when the task was completed. When the employee failed to appear at the end of the day the supervisor assumed that like many others he had simply not liked the job and left. However, after four days the supervisor bumped into the new employee. He was cleaning in one of the elevators. “You surely haven’t been cleaning these elevators for four days, have you?” asked the supervisor, accusingly. “Yes sir,” said the employee, “This is a big job and I’ve not finished yet – do you realise there are over forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes they are not even there….”

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Father’s Day Humor

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 6′ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

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Lightening Bolts

A mother noticed that it was about time for school to dismiss and since it looked like it would rain, she drove toward the school to pick up her eight year old daughter.

She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky, smiled, and then began running towards her mother’s car.

Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked.

Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior. “Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky,” she asked her daughter.

“I had to, mommy. God was taking my picture.”

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Really a Mom

YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY A MOM WHEN…

  • You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
  • You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child’s favorite toy and made him/her cry.
  • You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
  • Your child throws up and you catch it.
  • Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
  • You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
  • You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
  • Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of the doctor’s office, and you do it.
  • You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
  • You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it’s the only one your child eats.
  • You can’t bear the thought of your son’s first girlfriend.
  • You hate the thought of his wife even more.
  • You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into unusual shapes.
  • You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi’s mother.
  • You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.
  • You can’t bear to give away baby clothes–it’s so final.
  • You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “Not in your good clothes.”
  • You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
  • You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is “above average.”
  • You say at least once a day, “I’m not cut out for this job,” but you know you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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Mother’s White Hair

One day, a girl walk to her mother and look at her mother’s hair and sadly said: “Why are some of your hair white mom?”

The mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, “Momma, how come *all* of grandma’s hairs are white?”

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Teacher – Student Conversations

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, it’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Top Excuses for Not Praying in the Morning

10. I got twisted up in my sheets and couldn’t escape.
9. I didn’t have time after reading Psalms for my devotional
8. I was planning my next vacation on the maps in the back of my Bible.
7. I already had a “quiet” time for the past 8 hours.
6. I didn’t have time after my 10K morning jog and left my knee pads at the rugby field!
5. My pillow had me in a head hold and I couldn’t escape!
4. The TV was blaring late into the night so I couldn’t sleep!
3. Alright.. Whose the prankster who put super glue on my pillow?
2. Quiet time? In my house it is NEVER quiet!

1. James 1 says “the prayers of a righteous man accomplish much.” That leaves me out!

Do you ever feel you have to be spiritual to pray? To have your confessions all up to date? To be a holy and righteous man to have your prayers answered?

Truth is, God delights in the prayers of his people. Prayer is the best means to draw near God. Prayer is the time to catch up on your confessions and to intercede for others. And when we draw near to God we will know his heart and our prayers will be in agreement with his will.. When that happens we will see great answers in prayer! So instead of making excuses, let’s pray and expect great things!


MORE IDEAS? See “Creative Object Lessons”

200 page e-book that explains everything you need to know when planning your very own object lessons. It contains 90 fully developed object lesson ideas and another 200 object lesson starter ideas based on Biblical idioms and Names / Descriptions of God.

Learn More…

Important Conference

A Youth Sunday School teacher spent considerable time explaining the details and information for an upcoming evangelism conference. After answering questions from several students, one seventh grade boy asked: “Can you tell us again, the date of the vandalism conference?”

As told by Tan Fippin, Texas

What NOT to give your beloved for Valentine’s Day

  • A box of Valentine’s chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
  • Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”, or “high fiber” on the label.
  • Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.
  • Love poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”
  • Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
  • Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.
  • Any household appliance, or power tool
  • A gift certificate.
  • Cash.
  • Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria’s Secret model.
  • Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.
  • An apologetic look and the words “Valentine’s Day was today?”


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Valentine’s Day Ten Commandments

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undo embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am at my bath, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.


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Silly Signs

Sign at Railroad Station
“Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.”

Rest Stop in Wisconsin
“Do not eat urinal cakes.”

At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant:
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
–Sisters of Mercy”

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
“38 years on the same spot.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”

In the offices of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a New York medical building:
“Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home:
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases:
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
“Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
“15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee:
“Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”

Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

In a Maine restaurant:
“Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

On a radiator repair garage:
“Best place to take a leak.”

In the vestry of a New England church:
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On a roller coaster:
“Watch your head.”

On the grounds of a public school:
“No trespassing without permission.”

On a Tennessee highway:
“When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

And one for Valentine’s Day
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”


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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

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Sunday Morning Golf

The youth minister woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to take over the youth ministry for that day. As soon as the Pastor left the room, the youth minister headed out of Singapore to a golf course in JB. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then the youth minister hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

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Peanuts

A newly hired pastor in a small town was getting to know the members of his congregation by visiting with them in their homes. One particular day the pastor was visiting with one of the elderly ladies of the church. While sitting in the living room he noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and asked if he might have some since he had not eaten lunch that day. The elderly lady was glad to offer them to him.

After some time had passed the pastor decided that it was time he left. Looking down at the bowl of peanuts he noticed that they were almost all gone and apologized for eating all of the lady’s peanuts. “Oh, that is not a problem. I don’t like to see the peanuts go to waste.” responded the elderly lady. “You see, since I am old and have no teeth I am only able to suck the chocolate off the outside of them.

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This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Humorous Questions of Life

– If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
– If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
– When a cow laughs does milk go up its nose?
– Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
– If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
– How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
– If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
– What’s another word for thesaurus?
– Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
– What do they use to ship styrofoam?
– Why is abbreviation such a long word?
– Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
– Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
– How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
– When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
– Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
– Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
– Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
– If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

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This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Praise Songs Explained

Not long ago a farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses,” said his wife, “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.

“”Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.

The farmer said, “Well it’s like this – If I were to say to you:

`Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

`Martha Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows,
the white cows, the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
the CORN, CORN, CORN,’

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that
would be a praise chorus.”

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This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Hymns Explained

A young, new Christian from the big city attended the small town church one weekend. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns,” said his wife, “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.

The young man said, “Well it’s like this – If I were to say to you, `Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then, if I were to do only verses one, three, and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.”

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Thanksgiving Humor

Looking for a little wholesome Thanksgiving humor to add a some laughter to your Thanksgiving Sermon or Thanksgiving youth talk? These Thanksgiving jokes and humorous stories from the “Creative Youth Ideas” archives will add a chuckle to your talk. They are also great for a little fun around the Thanksgiving Dinner table!

Have your own humorous story to share? Heard a great Thanksgiving joke or humorous story? Why not drop me an email and I’ll share the best ones with others on the website. Or, add them as a content to this entry! I’ll make sure credit is given to the authors!

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

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Free

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, . . . “I’m not free. I’m four.”

We thought you said Daddy!

As we celebrate Father’s Day today, I would like to share the following story about the effect that one father had on his family. This particular family had three small children who were determined to have a puppy. Mom protested because she knew that somehow or other, she would end up caring for the critter. True to form, the children solemnly promised that they would take care of it. Eventually, she relented and they brought their little puppy home. The children named him Danny and cared for him diligently – at first. But, sure enough, as time passed, Mom found herself becoming more and more responsible for taking care of the dog. Finally, she decided that the children were not living up to their promise so she began to search for a new home for Danny. When she found one and broke the news to the children, she was quite surprised that they had almost no reaction at all. One of them even said rather matter-of-factly, “We’ll miss him.”

“I’m sure we will,” Mom answered, “but he is too much work for one person and since I’m the one that has to do all the work, I say he goes.”

“But,” protested another child, “if he wouldn’t eat so much and wouldn’t be so messy, could we keep him?”

Mom held her ground, “It’s time to take Danny to his new home.” Suddenly, with one voice and with tears in their eyes, the children exclaimed, “Danny?

We thought you said Daddy!”


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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Don’t Eat the Forbidden Fruit

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence didn’t extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?

Hey Eve! We got forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“DON’T EAT THAT FRUIT!” Said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never been changed.

Rev. Morgan Murray

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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The Fatherhood Cycle

4 years: “My Daddy can do anything.”
7 years: “My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot.”
12 years: “Oh, well – naturally – Father doesn’t know that either.”
14 years: “Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.”
21 years: “Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?”
25 years: “He knows a little bit about it – but not much.”
30 years: “Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.”
35 years: “Let’s ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision.”
40 years: “I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart.”
50 years: “My Dad knew absolutely everything.”
60 years: “I’d give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss him.”

Thanks to Mikey’s Funnies: www.mikeysFunnies.com


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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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Top 10 Things a Teen Daughter Doesn’t Want to Hear from her Dad

10. “Let me explain what ‘deductible’ means on car insurance.”
9. “Your mom’s almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?”
8. “Seems to me last year’s prom dress still has some life in it.”
7. “I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night.”
6. “We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid.”
5. “Let’s get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins.”
4. “I am proud that you decided to keep the family uni-brow.”
3. “You don’t need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home.”
2. “I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you’re really hoping he’ll ask you to the dance.”
1. “By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday.”

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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For the Baptists

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn’t a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, “Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back.”

The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, “I beg your pardon?”

“Get three chairs for my Baptist friends,” repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.

Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. “Three chairs. For the Baptists,” he enunciated.

The usher’s face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.

“All right, everybody,” he called out to the assembled worshipers.

“Three cheers for the Baptists!”

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Why Dogs Can’t use Computers

  • He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
  • Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
  • Carpal paw syndrome.
  • He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail.”
  • The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
  • He can’t stick his head out of Windows XP.

From the Internet

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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