‘Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear–
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a coke as I watched TV,
where Donny sang “O Holy Night” to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were quiet, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
’bout folks we’d send cards to who’d sent none to us;
“Those ingrates,” she thundered, and pounded her fist;
“Next year you can bet they’ll be crossed off our list!”

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
’twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, “Who’s there?”
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, “I’m Santa! I bring you no malice!”
Said I, “if you’re Santa, I’m Telly Savalas!”

But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, “I think he’s ok.”

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
“On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now ‘neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling.”

“You’ll note I’ve arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them.”

“To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections.”

“Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn’t afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves.”

“And then, later on, came additional trouble–
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a ‘no avalanche’ clause.”

“And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land.”

“And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead.”

“My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I’m glowing tonight,
it’s from flying too close to a nuclear site.”

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn’t help notice a tear in his eye;
“I’ve tried,” he declared, “to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I’ve become obsolete.”

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
“no longer can I do the job that’s required;
if anyone asks, just say, ‘Santa’s retired!'”.

Christmas Collection
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A Mr. & Mrs. Wallaby took a vacation in Switzerland for their 10th wedding anniversary. While there they had the misfortune of hiring a tour guide by the name of Olif who was a vocal proponent for communism. Olif had a particular distaste for American Tourists, and took every opportunity to express his distaste by his haughty attitude, condescending words and even abusive language. Olif however did have excellent knowledge of the area and it’s history, and since the Wallaby’s had been forced to pay up-front, they decided to endure Olif’s abrasive behavior.

After three days of non-subtle needling by Olif, things came to a head when Mrs. Wallaby felt a some precipitation on her arm and remarked “Oh, it’s snowing!”

“Stupid American woman!” Olif retorted, “It’s quite obviously rain!”

“See here you arrogant, stuck-up pig,” said a red-faced Mr. Wallaby, who had had quite enough and was losing his temper, “You take that back, and I mean right now!”

Olif, who had been hoping and waiting for a chance to come to blows, began to roll-up his sleeves and with a scowl on his face challenged Mr. Wallaby, a smaller and significantly older man, to do something about it.

Concerned for her husband, Mrs. Wallaby stepped in front of Mr. Wallaby, who seemed foolishly ready to enter in to battle. Hoping to reduce the tension, she said, “Rude Olif, the red, knows rain, Dear!”

Author: Scott Butler
Source: Email circulating on the internet

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

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Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until everyone else arrives.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

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Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;

plus,

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to age, race, creed, color, religion, national origin, disability, or political affiliation.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

Source Unknown

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

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Twas the night before Christmas an’ all t’ru de house,
Dey don’t a ting pass Not even a mouse.
De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo’,
An’ Mama pass de pepper t’ru de crack on de do’.

De Mama in de fireplace done roas’ up de ham,
Sit up de gumbo an’ make de bake yam.
Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter,
Make soun’ like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit to got to de do’,
Trip over de dorg an’ fall on de flo’.
As I look out de do’in de light o’ de moon,
I t’ink, “Mahn, you crazy or got ol’ too soon.”

Cux dere on de by-you w’en I stretch ma’neck stiff,
Dere’s eight alligator a pullin’ de skiff.
An’ a little fat drover wit’ a long pole-ing stick,
I know r’at away got to be ole St.Nick.

Mo’ fas’er an’ fas’er de’ gator dey came
He whistle an’ holler an’ call dem by name:
“Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an’ Alcee’!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an’Renee’!

To de top o’ de porch to de top o’ de wall,
Make crawl, alligator, an’ be sho’ you don’ fall.”
Like Tante Flo’s cat t’ru de treetop he fly,
W’en de big ole houn’ dorg come a run hisse’s by.

Like dat up de porch dem ole ‘gator clim!
Wit’ de skiff full o’ toy an’ St. Nicklus behin’.
Den on top de porch roof it soun’ like de hail,
W’en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney I yell wit’ a bam,
An’ St.Nicklus fall an’ sit on de yam.
“Sacre!” he axclaim, “Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma’se’f on dem red hot coal.”

He got on his foots an’ jump like de cat
Out to de flo’ where he lan’ wit’ a SPLAT!
He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot,
An’ his clothes is all dirty wit’ ashes an’ soot.

A sack full o’ playt’ing he t’row on his back,
He look like a burglar an’ dass fo’ a fack.
His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.

His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry,
On secon’ t’ought maybe he lap up de sherry.
Wit’ snow-white chin whisker an’ quiverin’ belly,
He shook w’en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye an’ a shook o’ his head,
Make my confi-dence dat I don’t got to be scared.
He don’ do no talkin’ gone strit to hi work,
Put a playt’ing in sock an’ den turn wit’ a jerk.

He put bot’ his han’ dere on top o’ his head,
Cas’ an eye on de chimney an’ den he done said:
“Wit’ all o’ dat fire an’ dem burnin’ hot flame,
Me I ain’ goin’ back by de way dat I came.”

So he run out de do’ an, he clim’ to de roof,
He ain’ no fool, him for to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff an’ crack his big whip,
De’ gator move down, An don’ make one slip.

An’ I hear him shout loud as a splashin’ he go,
“Merry Christmas to all ’til I saw you some mo’!”

Author: J. B. Kling, Jr., 1973
Source: Unknown

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

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Twas the night before Christmas in Texas, you bet,
But no one’d seen Santa; he hadn’t come yet.
The chaps were all hung up, the boots neatly shined,
While out on the plains a right tough windstorm whined.

And Santa was in it, with reindeer and sleigh.
He’d blown in from Brownsville, down Mexico way.
He was squinting from dust and his beard had turned brown.
The reindeer were squealing; the sleigh sinking down,

Till it lurched to a stop near the hills of Big Bend.
Santa said, “Here we’ll wait for this dust storm to end.
The sleigh’s overloaded with great Texas toys.
It’s too hard to steer in the dust and the noise!”

Now the problem was time; he had Texas to cross
and the night passing fast. Should he get a hoss?
But no horse was nearby; only longhorns around.
“I don’t trust ’em,” says Rudolph, a pawin’ the ground.

So they huddled to ponder just what could be done
To deliver those toys for the kids’ Christmas fun.
Things were downright disgusting, when suddenly came
A small Texas voice calling Santa by name…

“Howdy Santa! Ah’ll help! Ah know just where tuh go,
The way tuh the great Texas Rangers ah’ll show.
They kin do it, ah know,” chirped the odd little fellow.
“Well, by jiminey,” says Rudolph, “it’s a real armadillo.”

With a leader, the team quickly moved north by east,
Left the dust storm in Abilene – what a relief!
All the Rangers were called and they split up that load,
And giving a whoop, all directions they rode!

San Antonio children all sleeping just so
Heard, “Y’all have a good one! ‘Member the Alamo!”
Now Santa could fly; there was no time to waste.
On toward Dallas and Houston the sleigh sped with haste.

Heard the band still performing at Billy Bob’s bar,
And dropped 10-gallon hats and new boots at the door.
He swept into Dallas, now feeling quite jolly,
On Pegasus’ neck placed a small wreath of holly.

He rounded Reunion Tower heading toward Irving,
To visit the Cowboys – there’s none more deserving!
Dropped a big load of footballs, bid the skyline goodbye,
“Seasons Greetings,” he called, and turned south on the fly.

All the oil towers were lighted; the air seemed alive
As he headed toward Houston on I-45.
At the Astrodome, someone had left him a treat –
Fresh barbecue, chili, and nachos to eat!

“Oh, how I love Texas!” Santa sang with high cheer,
As he passed Neiman Marcus drinking Lone Star “root” beer.
His huge load of toys got dropped off, one by one.
To each sleeping child and his dad and his mum.

Then heading toward Beaumont, the whole team took flight
“Merry Christmas to Texas! and to all a Goodnight!”

Author: Catherine Smith

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

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See if you can figure out these Politically Correct versions of classic Christmas Carols.

1. I’m Envisioning a Culturally Diverse December 25th with a Covering of Crystalized Water Particles of Non-Color

2. Noise Pollution-Free Evening, Spiritually Empowered Evening

3. O Botanical Growth with Special Meaning Attributed to December 25

4. This Unit of Royal Males Cominng from Eastern Geographic Locations

5. Higher Power (of your Understanding) Grant Serenity to Your Jocular Males of Distiinguishable Breeding

6. Deprivation of Sadness to the Conglomerate of Nations Found on this Bioshpere

7. Actively Listen! The Communication Spirit Guides of Heaven are Doing Music

8. O Small Community of the Middle East

9. Temporarily Relocated in Alternative Housing Shared with Nonndomesticated Animal Companions

10. Recognized Catholic Icon Named Nicholas Who is a Euphoric Senior Citizen

11. Societally sanctioned persons of the male persuasion who profess a patriarchal and Eurocentric creed, be positively emotionally inhanced.

12. Please reveal the identity of the chronologically challenged individual for which such information is being requested.

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

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As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Source: email circulating on internet

Christmas Collection
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Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

As a service to our dear readers, we rush to print with an emergency list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

~ “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”

~ “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”

~ “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”

~ “Give me that.”

~ “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”

~ “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”

~ “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a perfect spiral this year?”

~ “Have you been drinking?”

~ “Where’s the cat?”

~ “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”

Source: www.mikeysFunnies.com

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!
=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

His and Her ATM usage explained:

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HERS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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