‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember …

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle perched on his knee.

So …

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along …

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by …

I. Though we, the “Greetor,” wish you well In our Holiday Entreaty,
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend (Herinafter called the “Greetee”).

II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums And dancing Christmas Lights,
But if these Fancies come to Naught You have no Vested Rights.

III. In no case shall we be at fault In Implied Claims of …