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10. You’ve reached the youth ministry office. We can’t take your call right now. Our phone fell in a wash tub of baked beans, gelatin, soda, ketchup, and fruit candy. Please call back on Thursday.

9. You’ve reached the children’s ministry office. We can’t take your call right now. To leave a message, take your pointing finger and press the key that looks like a small tic-tac-toe board. Then press the number “3” as in “three” wise men. Then press…

8. You’ve reached the music office. We have all gone to lunch at Miss Angie’s Tea Room and should return in about two or three hours. To leave a message, wait until you hear the A flat tone, then speak clearly while breathing from your diaphragm.

7. You’ve reached the associate pastor’s office. Brother Mike is so glad that you have called. He has been looking forward to talking to you. He will call you back as soon as he returns from visiting the nursing homes, delivering the opening prayer for the city council meeting, and buying Lord’s Supper supplies at the LifeWay store. God bless you and watch over you. And may your day bring bright hope for tomorrow.

6. You’ve reached the church receptionist. I’m currently on the phone with other parishioners. If this is an emergency, press pound 86 for the associate pastor’s office. If you want to know our worship service times, press pound 50. If you need directions to our church, press pound 35. If you want to speak to someone, please hold and I will be with you shortly……[approximate wait time is . . . 22 minutes].

5. Thank you for calling the prayer line. To listen to today’s prayer thought, press pound 77. To leave a prayer request, give us your name, address, phone number, the person you want us to pray for, that person’s address and phone number, why you want us to pray for that person, and whether you want that person’s name on our printed Wednesday night prayer list. Please do not go into a lot of detail regarding surgical procedures, number of stitches, and matters of continence.

4. Maintenance. I’m gone. Leave a message.

3. You’ve reached the Mother’s Day Out office. We’re…excuse me. May I help you? No, three-year-olds are down the hall. That’s right. No, the third door. We’re not here right now. Please leave a…. No honey, I don’t know where your mommy is. What room did you come from? Get your diaper off your head please, and tell me what room you came from?

2. You’ve reach the senior pastor’s office. Dr. Harbinger is in his study at the moment and cannot be disturbed. Please stay on the line and his administrative assistant, Dot, will be with you shortly. If you’re calling about a ministry need, please press pound 86 for the associate pastor’s office. If you’re playing golf with Dr. Harbinger this afternoon, please press 11.

1. You’ve reached the education ministry office. If you did not intend to call this number, press pound 86. If you were transferred to this office by accident, press pound 86. If you want to complain about the youth ministry, please press pound 22. If you are missing a part to your Sunday School coffee pot, press pound 41. If you forgot why you called, stay on the line and someone even more confused than you will be with you shortly.

Source: Gerry Peak at

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