Veteran Pillsbury Spokes model Pop N Fresh died yesterday >of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemimah delivered the eulogy, describing fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.” Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers although he was never one to loaf around. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

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COYOTE v. ACME

In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wiley E. Coyote, Plaintiff
v.
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, “Defendant”), through that company’s mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker’s Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme “Little Giant” Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.

To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote’s prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff’s Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product’s sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes’ thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote’s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote’s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant’s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote’s body tissues — a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordion like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote’s pursuit of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote’s work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant’s products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney’s fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

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1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
2. Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”.
5. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
6. You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
9. It’s finally your turn on the computer and “Touched by an Angel” is just coming on.
10. You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

Source Unknown

Holiday Collection
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“Mother of all jobs”

An exhilaratively exhausting profession, exceedingly rewarding and exhaustively expensive. Guarantees educational and medical debts.

The work hours require 24 hour-a-day, seven day a week attention with unexplained and unprogrammed emergency calls. Warning: occupationally hazardous to your health, lasting a lifetime. No previous experience needed.

Apply at the labor department, Ob-gyn ward of the hospital of your choice.

Reference needed: one qualified, encouraging, husband, who is willing to join you in this venture, no experience needed.

Benefits: The product of your labor is a one of a kind, designer gift from God and responds to a lifetime of love, attention, and nourishment. Batteries not required. No exchanges or refunds accepted.

Book of instruction: The book of Proverbs, The Holy Bible.

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: ” My full name has six letters. The first one is. I pick up things. What am I?” When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word ‘Mother’.

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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A cartoon showed a psychologist talking to his patient: “Let’s see,” he said, “You spend 50 percent of your energy on your job, 50 percent on your husband and 50 percent on your children. I think I see your problem.”

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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What NOT to Buy Your Wife
Although the only person a man usually shops for is his wife, the whole experience is a stressful one.

1. Don’t buy anything that plugs in. Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.
2. Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and she will be offended the other 6999 times. “Do I look like a size 16?” she’ll say. Too small a size doesn’t cut it either: “I haven’t worn a size 8 in 20 years!”
3. Avoid all things useful. The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any points.
4. Don’t buy anything that involves weight loss or self-improvement. She’ll perceive a six-month membership to a diet center as a suggestion that’s she’s overweight.
5. Don’t buy jewelry. The jewelry your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesn’t want.
6. Finally, don’t spend too much. “How do you think we’re going to afford that?” she’ll ask. But don’t spend too little. She won’t say anything, but she’ll think, “Is that all I’m worth?”

Herb Forst in Cross River, NY, Patent Trader, in Reader’s Digest, Page 69

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

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A four-year-old and a six-year-old presented their Mom with a house plant. They had used their own money and she was thrilled. The older of them said with a sad face, “There was a bouquet that we wanted to give you at the flower shop. It was real pretty, but it was too expensive. It had a ribbon on it that said, ‘Rest In Peace,’ and we thought it would be just perfect since you are always asking for a little peace so that you can rest.”

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

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PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”

BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you — quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you — don’t go biting off more than you can chew!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”

MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”

BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

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One day a pastor noticed seven-year-old Alex staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small US flags were mounted on either side. Alex had been staring for a long time, so the pastor walked up beside him and said, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” replied the youngster, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what’s this for?”

“Well, son, it is for all the young men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together staring at the plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible as he asked, “Which service, the 9 o’clock or the 11 o’clock?”

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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One enterprising man asked the Lord, “Lord, how long is a million years to you?”

The Lord replied, “To me, a million years is like a second.”

The man asked, “Lord, how much is a million dollars to you?”

The Lord said, “To me, a million dollars is like a penny.”

The man asked, “Lord, may I have a penny?”

The Lord answered, “Sure, just a second.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Baptist.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations.

So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Baptists who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. America Online spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year’s task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.

America Online: Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? [takes out a packet of small green pellets] I’ve been in a rush recently.

AOL: Go right ahead. We’ve got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I’ll just go down the list if you don’t mind.

EB: Ready when you are.

AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: “We all know that Santa’s Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?”

EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It’s located in San Bernardino, California.

AOL: San Bernardino?

EB: That’s right.

AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.

EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It’s the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we’d have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.

AOL: Elves?

EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.

AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.

EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.

AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: “Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn’t it have been the Easter Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?”

EB: That’s a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole “bunny” thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.

AOL: What happened?

EB: It just didn’t work out. The komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don’t eat anyone.

AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: “Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?”

EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we’ve never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents –

AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB: I didn’t say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don’t work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There’d be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. “Easter Bunny” is a job description, not a proper name. It’s like “Postal Carrier,” except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.

AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB: Because I’m boss. You’re not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.

AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB: Well, it’s not just hopping down the bunny trail, I’ll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can’t afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.

AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?

EB: I don’t want to name names. But one bunny who’s making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he’d back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.

AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.

EB: Prozac helps.

AOL: Albert from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, wants to know what the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny are.

EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you’re delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don’t even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they’ll plug you for being on their land, then they’ll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

AOL: What?

EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we’ll just forget they’re there. Man, that’s embarrassing.

AOL: Here’s an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes: “How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention.” And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.

EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don’t want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.

AOL: But privately?

EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?

AOL: Uh…sure.

EB: He’s a big ol’ pain in this bunny’s bottom. For one thing, he’s a prima donna: always me, me, me, where’s my hot tea, where’s my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I’d rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he’s totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing “Rosebud!” from the top of his lungs.

AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.

EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job. Mine’s actually tougher, since I’m moving perishable stuff. You can’t have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn’t stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.

AOL: We’re sure you have your own fans.

EB: It’s like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.

AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; “Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?”

EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it’s not impossible.

AOL: That still leaves the male part.

EB: We’re quibbling on details, here.

AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.

EB: Sorry. We tried that in ’78.

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

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One year, Johnny’s family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

They are not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The attached picture has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at a local university.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

Photo of Two Dolphins

No Need to Reply, I’ll be on Vacation.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

10. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating’s not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies–ya know–that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh — don’t worry about that. It’s no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don’t mean it)

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!
=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

Top Ten Indications That Christmas May Be A Little Too Commercial

10. The only time you’ve heard Jesus mentioned this year was when your neighbor opened his Visa bill!
9. You mentioned the “Star in the East” to someone and they thought you were talking about Jackie Chan!
8. Your son thought St. Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas were the Three Wise Men.
7. You got more Christmas Cards from companies then friends!
6. When you hear the name Bethlehem, you think . . .Ah, steel manufacturing!
5. You asked your neighbor to come to church Christmas Eve, and they said, “What’s Christmas got to do with church?”
4. The last time you said “Merry Christmas” to someone, they called the “Politically Correct Police”!
3. When you got to the part in the Christmas account about there being “no room in the inn”, your first thought was, “Maybe I should invest in the hospitality industry!”
2. When you told your Sunday School class about the Magi’s gifts, a couple of the kids wondered about their current market value!

And the number one reason why Christmas might be a little too commercial:
1. Simple, you spent more time, running and buying then you did bending to worship!

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

The Era Leader (weekly paper from Franklinton, LA) Christmas edition asked preschoolers the question “Where does Santa get his reindeer?”

Kristen-Age 4
“He gets ’em over by the church. There’s a big one named Rudolph over there right now. Did you know they like to eat Cowboy Beans?”

Breanna-Age 4
“They come from berry bushes. They can fly if they flap their legs real hard. They can flap and fly for a long time before they get tired.”

Brandon-Age 5
“Santa gets his reindeer in the woods. They live at the North Pole where the Snow Bear lives and you have to catch them with a net ’cause they’re tricky.”

Kevin-Age 4
“Santa saw them flying around the moon one night singing ‘Jingle Bells’ and said ‘Rudolph, will you guide my sleigh tonight?’ and Rudolph said, ‘Sure, I love Christmas!”‘

Hope-Age 4
“You get reindeer at Walmart, silly. They have these little wings, that’s how they fly.”

Evan-Age 3
“He gets ’em up in the sky. Santa has this special boy that feeds ’em reindeer food and that’s what makes ’em fly. That boy don’t like reindeer though cause they eat too much!”

Josh-Age 2
“I don’t know where Santa gets his reindeer, but they sing Jingle Bells when they’re flying and do you know about Rudolph? He’s the one that’s got that nose. He likes to eat donuts!”

Kendra-Age 3
“Santa gets ’em from God. See, Santa and God are good friends and good friends help each other, right?”

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

What if God had voice mail ?

Imagine praying and hearing this:
“Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following four options:
Press 1 for requests…
press 2 for thanksgiving….
press 3 for complaints…
and Press 4 for all other inquiries.”

What if God used the familiar excuse:
“All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line…your call will be
answered in the order it was received.”

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you called on God in prayer!…
“If you would like to speak with Gabriel, press 1..
Michael, press 2…
for any other angel, press 3.
And if you would like King David to sing psalm for you, press 4.”

“To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, enter his or her social security number.”

“For reservations at My Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 316.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah’s ark is,
wait until you get here”.

“Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.”

Thank God!…you don’t call Him too often…. you only need to ring once and God hears you. You’ll never get a busy signal. God takes each call and knows each caller personally.

“When you call, the Lord will answer. You will cry for help and He will say “Here I am.” ” Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with all your heart.” (Jer 29:12-13).

Thank goodness I have never called Him and was told His computer was down.

-Author Unknown

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only.

6×10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

Milk Crate
Theft of this container is a crime.

A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks
Harmful if swallowed.

cocktail napkin with a map of the waterways around Hilton Head, South Carolina
Not to be used for navigation.

A nine- by three-inch bag of air used as packing material
Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device.

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines
Protect from seawater.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush
Do not use orally.

A can of air freshener
Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.

bottle of drain cleaner
If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Korean Kitchen Knives
Keep out of children.

Sharpening Stone
Warning: knives are sharp!

A .22 caliber rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

kitchen knife
Never try to catch a falling knife.

A can of self-defense pepper spray
May irritate eyes.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

PARTY TIME
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

TIME TO FIX IT
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

SO WHO’s PAYING FOR IT
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

MARINE STYLE
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

THE WAITER
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the entrée menu.

THE DENTIST
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

THE PILGRIM
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

Dog Shampoo
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish

Insect Spray from New Zealand
This product not tested on animals

Insect Spray
Warning – this spray is harmful to bees

Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Bottle of dried bobcat urine used to keep pests away from garden plants
Not for human consumption.

An electric cattle prod
For use on animals only.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Cigarette Lighter
Do not light the flame near the face.

smoke detector
Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter
Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.

A popular manufactured fireplace log
Caution – Risk of Fire.

Butane Lighter
Warning: Flame may cause fire.

Fireplace Lighter
Use caution when using near fire, flame, or sparks.

Fire Alarm System
There shall be three (3) access levels with level 4 being the highest level.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Children’s cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Midol PMS
Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.

Sleeping Pill Prescription
Warning: drug may cause sleepiness.

Nytol
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Hammer
Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

Swedish chain saw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

A heat gun and paint remover that produces temperatures of 1,000 degrees
Do not use this tool as a hair dryer

An electric router made for carpenters
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

A snowblower warns
Do not use snowthrower on roof.

Bungee cord
USE EXTREME CAUTION when stretching cord over load. Keep face and other vulnerable body parts away from potential cord rebound path.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Rubber Ball
Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.

Baby Stroller
Warning: Remove child before folding baby stroller.

A popular scooter for children
This product moves when used.

A pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

A packet of juggling balls
This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.

Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set
PARENT: Please exercise caution—mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly.

Halloween Superman Costume
This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.

Frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.

Silly Putty
WARNING: Not for use as earplugs.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Microwave Oven
Do not use for drying pets.

The label on an electric hand blender
Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.

Dishwasher
Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.

A Bathroom Heater
This product is not to be used in bathrooms.

Rowenta Iron
Warning! Never iron clothes on the body.

Heated Seat Cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

SGI computer
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

Laser Printer Cartridge
Do not eat toner.

Television Owner’s Manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.

Cordless Phone
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Battery
Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.

Electronic Thermometer
Do not use orally after using rectally.

Ray-O-Vac Renewal AA Batteries
If swallowed or lodged in ear or nose see doctor.

VCR
Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included.

12-inch rack for storing compact disks
Do not use as a ladder.

A CD player
Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.

TV Remote Control
Not dishwasher safe.

Laser Pointer
Do not look into laser with remaining eye.

Camera
This camera only works when there is film inside.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a “BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…” behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him… “BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…” The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster…faster… BUMP…BUMP…BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks it behind him. The coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP …BUMP …BUMP on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything…all he can find is a box of cough drops which he throws at the coffin…and the coffin stops!!!

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

Windshield Wash Fluid
Cannot be made non-poisonous.

Automobile Windshield cover
Caution: Never drive with the cover on your windshield

Car Jack
For lifting purposes only

Cayman Airlines safety booklet
If you are seated in an exit aisle and are unable to read this, please ask a stewardess to reseat you.

Bike Helmet Mirror
Remember: Objects in mirror are actually behind you.

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

A can of windscreen de-icing spray
Spray works in sub-zero temperatures.

jet ski
Warning! Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.

A snow sled
Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel:
Warning – Remove lock before driving.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Coffee Cup
Caution: Hot beverages are hot!

Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert
Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box)

Package of Dice
Not for human consumption.

Breath Savers
Not for weight control.

Japanese food processor
Not to be used for the other use.

Pack of Peanuts
Open packet and eat contents.

Fruit Roll-ups
Peel fruit from cellophane before eating.

Grapes
Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating.

Swann frozen dinners
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Soft Drink
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Sainsbury’s Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

Pop-Tarts
Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated.

Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bottle-top of a flavored milk drink
After opening, keep upright.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.

A topologist is a man who does not know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Source: www.mikeysFunnies.com

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Actual quotes from federal government employee performance evaluations:

• “Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
• “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
• “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
• “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
• “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
• “She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
• “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

If God were writing a performance evaluation about your life what might he write? 

Source: Internet Circulation

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
• If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Air Head Fired
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Man Loses Legs, Vows to Continue Arms Protest

Source: Internet circulation

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Dear Mr. _______:

Thank you for your letter of May 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following the New Year. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
New Employee

Source: Internet Circulation

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool.”

Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: “I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you’ll do that?”

His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.

When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black, sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, “Wait just a minute!”

With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?’

The wife said to her friend, “Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did.”

The friend was horrified and asked, “You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?”

The wife replied, “I sure did…I wrote him a check.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

ACTUAL PARENTAL EXCUSES received by schools

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling):
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!

Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween or Fall Festival, and Thanksgiving event. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for all these holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “And you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass”.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, want to play house?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Two moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the
take off.”

“That’s baloney”, says one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!” They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, “I’d say about a hundred yards further than last year.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any. (Milton Berle)

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

You’re getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news– the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A priest was driving down the freeway with two penguins sitting in the back seat of his car. A police officer pulled the priest over for speeding & upon seeing the penguins said to the priest “what do you think you’re doing with those penguins, take them to the zoo right away.” The officer then let the priest go with a warning. The next day the officer saw the priest drive by in his sedan with the penguins. The officer pulled the priest over & he saw that this time the penguins had sun glasses on. He said to the priest “I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo.” The priest said “I took them to the zoo yesterday today we’re going to the beach.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

• Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
• Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3)
• Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock – Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
• Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
• Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
• Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. – Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
• Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
• Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (I Samuel 18:27)
• Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
• Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
• When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” – Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
• Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though=). – David (2 Samuel 11)
• Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) – Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
• Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
• A wife?…NOT! – Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty; and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go
now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whenever something went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them. Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the boys. The father agreed.

The mother went to the minister and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. To impress upon them that God was everywhere and saw everything they were doing, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?” The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?” Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked “Where is God?” The boy panicked and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!” The older boy asked, “What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?” His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about their life experiences.

The hundred dollar bill began to brag:

“I’ve had a great life,” he said. “I’ve been to all the big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino, I’ve been in the wallets of Fortune 500 board members, I’ve flown from one end of the country to the other! I’ve even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum.”

In awe, the dollar humbly responded, “Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, …but I have been to church a lot!”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, “You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the waters were rising around his house. The waters had gotten to the level of the front porch where the man was standing. Some in a rowboat came by and called to him, “Hop in and I’ll take you to high ground.”

He replied, “No, my God will save me!”

The river continued to rise to the second story windows and looking out, he saw a powerboat come up. The man in the powerboat called to him, “Hop in and I’ll take you to high ground.”

He replied, “No, my God will save me!”

The river had now risen to the roof of the house. The man was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over a bull horn, “Grab the rope and climb in and we’ll take you to high ground.”

He replied, “No, my God will save me!”

The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed the house and the man was drowned. The next thing he knew, he was standing before his God. In anger, he asked God, “I put my trust in you. Why have you forsaken me?”

And his God replied, “What do you want from me? I sent you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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A friend of mine awoke one morning to find a puddle of water in the middle of his king-size water bed. In order to fix the puncture, he rolled the heavy mattress outdoors and filled it with more water so he could locate the leak more easily. The enormous bag of water was impossible to control and began rolling on the hilly terrain. He tried to hold it back, but it headed downhill and landed in a clump of bushes which poked it full of holes. Disgusted, my friend threw out the water-bed frame and moved a standard bed into his room. The next morning, he awoke to find a puddle of water in the middle of the new bed. The upstairs bathroom had a leaky drain.

Source: Reader’s Digest, March, 1993, Page 123

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug … Do you want a room with or without a view?”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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‘Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back.
Fred, the mouse in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky…
To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.
There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such,
And as Fred stuffed his face, he sighed, “This is too much!”
Phil and Rose were in bed watching late night TV,
While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie.

Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night.
It shook Phil and Rose, really gave them a fright.
Phil’s hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out big…
Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her wig.

They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds…
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:
Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens,
Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens!

At the wheel sat a bunny — cute, fuzzy and fat —
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.
Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:

“Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!”
The van made its landing lickety-split …
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!

Then up on the roof, much to Phil’s consternation,
They squawked of egg prices and space navigation.
They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer,
“If you guys don’t shut up, we’ll get thrown in the slammer!”

Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.
This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair ..
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.

His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
Was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.

“While I’m here,” he smiled, “Everybody relaxes …
I’m not selling storm windows, won’t audit your taxes.
I’m just here to bring you some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let’s party tonight!”

So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes,
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop-ears said, “Hey, friends, we’ve had quite a ball,
But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!”

He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear,
And he yelled to his chicken team, “We’re outta here!”
As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky,
He called out, “Later, Phil! And to you, Rose, good-bye!”

As he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say,
“Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!”

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Easter Collection

My husband and I home school our two children, Seth and Glenna. One day, the lesson was on “opposites.”

Glenna, who was six at the time, was being quizzed. I would say a word and she would give its opposite.

When I said, “good,” Glenna quickly said, “bad.”

“Hot?”

“Cold!” she squealed.

It was time for something a little more difficult. “How about ‘dead’?” I asked.

Expecting the answer to be “alive,” I was delighted when Glenna, without hesitation, replied, “risen.”

Source: Unknown

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Easter Collection

Two friends were talking together. The first man asked, “How did you enjoy the play last night?”

“Oh, it was fine, ” the second man said, “but we only got to stay for the first act.”

“Why did you only stay for the first act?” his friend probed.

“Well, I wanted to stay for the whole thing, seeing this was the first play I ever attended,” the second man said. “But the program said that the next act was taking place three days later.”

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Easter Collection

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

The story is told of a monastery in Portugal, perched high on a 3,000 foot cliff and accessible only by a terrifying ride in a swaying basket. The basket is pulled with a single rope by several strong men, perspiring under the strain of the fully loaded basket. One American tourist who visited the site got nervous halfway up the cliff when he noticed that the rope was old and frayed. Hoping to relive his fear he asked, “How often do you change the rope?” The monk in charge replied, “Whenever it breaks!”

Source: Daily Walk, March 30, 1992

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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10. You absolutely love the movie, “The Ten Commandments”.
9. You look really, really good in yellow.
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn’t want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a “Good Friday” can’t be all bad.
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
5. It’s a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don’t know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a “Passion Play.”
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you’d give it a shot.
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Easter Collection

While assembling their new water bed, my sister Betty and her husband, Everett, realized they would need a hose. Everett dashed to the hardware store and bought one. They attached it to the bed, ran it through the apartment to the kitchen tap and left to wait for the bed to fill. About an hour later they checked on its progress. That’s when they discovered Everett had bought a sprinkler hose.

Source: Reader’s Digest, March, 1993, Page 123

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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• Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say “Sunday is my only day to sleep in.”
• We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is going to fall down
• Space heaters will be available for those that say the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
• We will have hearing aids for those who say “The Pastor talks too softly,” and cotton for those who say HE preaches too loudly.
• Score cards for those who wish to list hypocrites present.
• Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays.
• There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to Church and cook dinner also.
• One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in Nature.
• Finally the Sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter Lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She know exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little
furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hoped on down the road another 50 yards, turned waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

While Easter is not about the Easter bunny, it is about restoring the dead. Jesus was resurrected and because of his work on the cross we also will be resurrected.

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Easter Collection

* Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
* Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.–prayer and medication to follow.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny
* Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
* Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
* Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
* There’s no such thing as too much candy.
* All work and no play can make you a basket case.
* Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
* Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
* Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans.
* The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
* An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
* To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

Easter Collection
Games and Activities in celebration of Easter.

Get more than 80 creative ideas for planning a Youth Easter celebration or Easter Party. You can immediately download my best Easter Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Easter activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Easter Collection

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.”
“Hans Olaffsen?”, he thinks. “How in the world does that fit in Chinatown?”

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, “How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?”

The old man answers “Is name of owner.”

The visitor asks “Well, who is the owner?”

“I am he,” answers the old man.

“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?”

The old man replies, “Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, “What your name?” He say, ” Hans Olaffsen.” She look at me say, “What your name?” I say, “Sam Ting.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ The patient refused an autopsy.

~ The patient has no past history of suicides.

~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

~ The patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

~ She is numb from the toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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In an issue of “Meat & Poultry” magazine, editors quoted from “Feathers,” the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing.

They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

“Use a thawed chicken.”

Source: “Meat & Poultry” magazine

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: “Does the campground have it’s own BC?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
(Campground Owner)

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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* Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Born free…Taxed to death.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
* Montana — At least our cows are sane!
* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd pastor out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

“Oh, Lord!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.

“A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!”

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the pastor prayed again: “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!”

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

“I told you I was right!” cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Pastor was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”

The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?!”

“So,” shrugged one of the other pastors, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really big, deep hole.

“Wow.. that looks deep!” “Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.” They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and wait…..no noise. “That is REALLY deep… here throw one these big rocks and see how long it takes.” Again, there was no noise after throwing in the rock.

“Look over here, there’s a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it in, its gotta make a noise.” The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound from the hole.

The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished by what they’ve just seen.

Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! The strangest thing we’ve ever seen. Came running outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!” “Nah”, says the farmer, “Couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* Is infancy a sin for infants if adultery is a sit for adults?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to also?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
* If you’re born again, do you have 2 belly buttons?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, which have you done?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
* What happens when none of your bees wax?
* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole plane made of this material?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
* If most car accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why doesn’t everyone move?

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

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* No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* School lunches stick to the wall
*You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
*The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.

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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test. They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father told his wife, “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard.”

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left. Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said: “This is worse than I could ever have imagined!” “What?! asked the wife. “Our son is going to be a politician!”

Source: Unknown

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

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10. You’ve reached the youth ministry office. We can’t take your call right now. Our phone fell in a wash tub of baked beans, gelatin, soda, ketchup, and fruit candy. Please call back on Thursday.

9. You’ve reached the children’s ministry office. We can’t take your call right now. To leave a message, take your pointing finger and press the key that looks like a small tic-tac-toe board. Then press the number “3” as in “three” wise men. Then press…

8. You’ve reached the music office. We have all gone to lunch at Miss Angie’s Tea Room and should return in about two or three hours. To leave a message, wait until you hear the A flat tone, then speak clearly while breathing from your diaphragm.

7. You’ve reached the associate pastor’s office. Brother Mike is so glad that you have called. He has been looking forward to talking to you. He will call you back as soon as he returns from visiting the nursing homes, delivering the opening prayer for the city council meeting, and buying Lord’s Supper supplies at the LifeWay store. God bless you and watch over you. And may your day bring bright hope for tomorrow.

6. You’ve reached the church receptionist. I’m currently on the phone with other parishioners. If this is an emergency, press pound 86 for the associate pastor’s office. If you want to know our worship service times, press pound 50. If you need directions to our church, press pound 35. If you want to speak to someone, please hold and I will be with you shortly……[approximate wait time is . . . 22 minutes].

5. Thank you for calling the prayer line. To listen to today’s prayer thought, press pound 77. To leave a prayer request, give us your name, address, phone number, the person you want us to pray for, that person’s address and phone number, why you want us to pray for that person, and whether you want that person’s name on our printed Wednesday night prayer list. Please do not go into a lot of detail regarding surgical procedures, number of stitches, and matters of continence.

4. Maintenance. I’m gone. Leave a message.

3. You’ve reached the Mother’s Day Out office. We’re…excuse me. May I help you? No, three-year-olds are down the hall. That’s right. No, the third door. We’re not here right now. Please leave a…. No honey, I don’t know where your mommy is. What room did you come from? Get your diaper off your head please, and tell me what room you came from?

2. You’ve reach the senior pastor’s office. Dr. Harbinger is in his study at the moment and cannot be disturbed. Please stay on the line and his administrative assistant, Dot, will be with you shortly. If you’re calling about a ministry need, please press pound 86 for the associate pastor’s office. If you’re playing golf with Dr. Harbinger this afternoon, please press 11.

1. You’ve reached the education ministry office. If you did not intend to call this number, press pound 86. If you were transferred to this office by accident, press pound 86. If you want to complain about the youth ministry, please press pound 22. If you are missing a part to your Sunday School coffee pot, press pound 41. If you forgot why you called, stay on the line and someone even more confused than you will be with you shortly.

Source: Gerry Peak at LifeWay.com

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

24 BEST RESPONSES IF FOUND ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

24. “Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!”
23. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
22. “You don’t discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?”
21. “Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”
20. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
19. “Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
18. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
17. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”
16. “I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
15. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
14. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.”
13. “I’m doing the Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
12. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
11. “This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress.”
10. “Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!”
9. “I was working smarter, not harder.”
8. “Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
7. “I’m in the management training program.”
6. “The coffee machine is broken….”
5. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
2. “It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.”

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. “…and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Two boys went ice fishing. They were sitting only a few feet apart, but one boy noticed that while he was catching nothing the other boy kept catching fish every time he put the worm in the water.

So the first little boy asked the other boy, “What’s your secret?”

The other replied, ” Ma motta meep ma Morms merm!”

The first little boy couldn’t understand him and so he asked him again, ” What’s your secret?”

So the boy again replied,”Ma Motta meep Ma Morms Merm!”

The first little boy still couldn’t understand him, so he asked a third time, “What’s your secret?”

The other boy said, ” –PATOOWEE(spit)– “You gotta keep your worms warm!”

 

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

1. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either
side vacant.
2. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
3. Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
4. When smoking a fish, never inhale.
5. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
6. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but as the cheese cools it will stick between your toes.
7. You’ll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
8. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
9. Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
10. Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
11. Effective January 1, 1999, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
12. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
13. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
14. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
15. You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
16. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
17. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
18. You can compress the diameter of your rolled-up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
19. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
20. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
21. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
22. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
23. You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
24. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
25. Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
26. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
27. It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
28. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting the bells on the bears.
29. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Author: Bruce Cochran, Backpacker

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church.

The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $20.” The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought $20 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

MORE IDEAS? See “Creative Object Lessons”

200 page e-book that explains everything you need to know when planning your very own object lessons. It contains 90 fully developed object lesson ideas and another 200 object lesson starter ideas based on Biblical idioms and Names / Descriptions of God.

Learn More…

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt–
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle perched on his knee.

So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”

“This is your twin–Same hair, same eyes,
same double chin. She’ll cook, she’ll dust,
she’ll mop every mess. You’ll relax, take it easy,
watch ‘The Young & the Restless.’”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! I’ll shop. I’ll read.
I’ll sleep a whole night through! ”

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I’m scared…and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.
That’s my child’s love, she’s trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old, for my cradle-song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You’ll be all right.”

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.

When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash…

The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer

And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.

“Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap.”
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.

As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.

And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.
As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.

He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said “Don’t you reboot ‘er.”
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.

His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.

The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.
He spoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.

He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive’s head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And ’tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,

He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.
But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
“Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night.”

Author: Unknown

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in over-due compensation

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific
No candy or sweets … they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was ecological
No baseball, no football … someone could get hurt;
Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere … even you
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth …
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth”

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

I. Though we, the “Greetor,” wish you well In our Holiday Entreaty,
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend (Herinafter called the “Greetee”).

II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums And dancing Christmas Lights,
But if these Fancies come to Naught You have no Vested Rights.

III. In no case shall we be at fault In Implied Claims of Fitness,
And all Writs of Depression must Be Sworn before a Witness.

IV. Although our Approbations Are Warranted full free
Of Defects in Sincerity There is no Guaranty.

V. Whenever there’s a Conflict These, our Contract Terms, will rule;
The “Greetee” then is on his own To have a Happy Yule.

VI. We hope that You, Your Kith and Kin Find Christmas Viability;
But if You don’t, note now that We Decline all Liability.

VII. So if you don’t hear Sleigh Bells ring, Or smell the fresh cut Pines,
You have, “Greetee,” Released our Firm, Successors, and Assigns.

VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish By Counter Claim is marred,
We may, at our Sole Option, Repossess this Christmas Card.

(C) Edward C. McManus (written in 1975 for Datamation Magazine)
Visit his blog at theJokeSmith.Wordpress.com

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection